To mark Halloween and today’s release of the Tim Burton-produced 9 in UK cinemas, which sees stitchpunk rag dolls take on giant cat beasts in a post-apocalyptic future, we’re looking at the best movie monsters to ever rumble the subwoofers. How do we define ‘monsters’? We’re talking big, big beasts. Nasty ones. No friendly Godzilla or loveable King Kong here.

9. The Host

Where most monsters like to hide in the shadows until near the end of the movie (I’m looking at you Cloverfield monster), this giant tadpole pops out the water and runs around in broad daylight almost as soon as the movie has started, confusing the fleeing victims as much as all of us watching at home. The only South Korean monster to make this list, I’m sure everyone involved was just hoping it would turn a bit and keep heading north to cause some havoc. “Here’s a present from the West, Kim Jong-il. Good luck with the nukes.”

8. Reign Of Fire’s Dragons

It’s the future and winged serpents have brought humanity to its knees, forcing them to hide out in an old English castle and grow tomatoes for dear life. They even have to use candles. Yes Dragons have seriously trashed Christian Bale’s lights in a most unprofessional way. To make matters worse Matthew McConaughey turns up with, guess what, no shirt on. These dragons aren’t the friendly sort, not one of them is voiced by Sean Connery, instead they’re an infestation scorching the earth, with London as their headquarters – The regions never get a break, even Dragon government is centralised.

7. Jurassic Park’s T-Rex

What’s so chilling about the T-Rex is that he’s really just after a snack. To him, we’re just squealing cocktail sausages, one of whom has a white Santa beard and another black rim glasses mumbling about the chaos theory. And in human terms the T-Rex is the kind of guy who’d have no problem eating something he found under a sofa, evidenced by his decision to eat a lawyer off a toilet. Eventually he stumbles clumsily into an exhibit about himself, scares some kids who just ate wobbling jelly, and stands triumphantly roaring as everyone runs for their life at the end – Doesn’t even get a scratch on him.

6. The Blob

Much maligned, no one can tell when The Blob sheds a tear. Falling from the sky after what one can only imagine was a tough journey through space, he dissolves a tramp and swallows a few teens. Then it’s onto the hard working adults in town. Those who were hiding out a building labelled ‘Diner’ only have themselves to blame. The only monster on this list to have a song written about him by Burt Bacharach (really) –

5. Tremors’ Graboids

Two hicks go up against a giant worm. We’ve got a movie. When you’re battling an underground Graboid the rules are – get on a roof, get on a sturdy roof, and whatever you do don’t hide in a hole. Are you listening Saddam? It also helps if one of the townsfolk happens to have their own personal gun arsenal – in Britain we’d be bashing the monsters with truncheons.

4. Jaws

Were you to tell me that these things really existed I’d never go swimming again. They do? Oh sh*t. When all you are is a moving mouth in the water there’s really nothing else to do but chew on anything that wiggles and intimidate bathers. Jaws has a level of contempt that puts him high on this list – he’ll eat a child but then not even finish the meal, letting a leg float to the bottom untouched. You can almost hear him swimming away saying “what-ev-er”.

3. THEM!

Good news, we’ve invented the atom bomb. Bad news, we accidentally created giant man-eating ants in the process. Imagine getting that report on your desk. This documentary (need to check) chronicled how our grandfathers bravely fought huge paper-mache ant heads in the deserts of New Mexico. Credit goes to the giant queen ant who manages to get out of dodge and somehow find her way to an ocean-going freighter loaded with sugar – that’s the way to travel. Unfortunately she’s sunk by the US Navy.

2. Cloverfield Monster

Is it a giant spindly flightless bat with the roar of a lion? These are the questions we all asked each other for months leading up to the release of the film. In the end the monster was so inconsistently animated that half the audience ended up thinking there were two of them running about. Able to somehow sneak up on people in a park despite being the size of the Eiffel Tower, the Cloverfield monster get bonus points for having the most dangerous fleas on this list, which drop off and bite beautiful people, causing them to “do a Mr. Creosote”.

1. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Creating by Ray’s imagination, the Marshmallow Man is the ultimate in deceptive appearances. Surely something that’s so tasty, and smiling, can’t be something we need to run from? But then he steps on a church and breathes fire – two big warning signs. Ultimately his death toll is a disappointing nil, but he does manage to scar the minds of thousands of New Yorkers, especially those watching his big marshmallow butt climb the apartment building at 55 Central Park West.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS
Alien Queen (overexposed), Brain Bug from Starship Troopers (too intelligent), The Thing (can’t make up its mind)

Any other great movie monsters that deserve to be on this list? Leave your thoughts in the comments.