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Comment RSSTwilight: New Moon Review – From A Non-Fan
2.12.09 # 1:20 # Review # 28 CommentsThis is probably going to be the toughest review any critic has had to write, ever. On the one hand, New Moon is an abomination against God and no words will do it justice. On the other hand, New Moon is absolutely hilarious and no words will do it justice.
Love is blossoming for the world’s least charismatic couple, Bella (Kristen Stewart) and vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson). Unfortunately, they’ve forgotten that he is a bloodsucking demon and that she is a happy meal on legs, only pastier, skinnier and moody as hell. After nearly getting torn a new blowhole by Harpo Marx, Bella is somehow surprised when Edward dumps her whining arse and leaves town with his family, you know, for her protection. This leaves Bella in a catatonic state where the only way she can be happy is to put herself in extreme jeopardy in order to see visions of Edward. Over the course of doing this, she becomes closer to Jacob (Taylor Lautner) who turns out to be a werewolf, the sworn enemies of vampires. Will she mend her broken heart with renewed friendship or will she instead spend a year leading Jacob on relentlessly before breaking his heart and running off to Edward again like a hateful attention whore? Too obvious?
First off, absolutely nothing happens in this film. There is no conflict, no resolution, the start and the end are exactly the same and nobody changes at all in this film. Author Stephenie Meyer throws her utterly hateful Mary Sue character into so many laughable situations that the only people who could possibly believe this travesty is remotely realistic are the tween fanbase who have no knowledge of life. If Bella is an acceptable and accurate representation of young women today, then taking a shit on a dying relative is an acceptable and accurate way of bidding them farewell. For a supposedly strong female lead, she is nothing – nothing! – without her man, going into a catatonic state for three months, not eating, sending emails to an address that doesn’t exist, ignoring her friends and spending all night screaming in such agony that her poor father sleeps downstairs to avoid putting a tire iron through her dense skull. To be fair, after three minutes of that soulless harpy trying to guilt trip everyone into caring about her pathetic problems, you’ll be reaching for the blunt object yourself.
This is a film that puts forward the ideas that domestic violence is an acceptable thing to happen to women; that women need men to survive; that high school crushes will last forever; that gay people should be shunned from society and that suicide is the only answer to being dumped by your first fleeting taste of love. It’s a film as dangerous as nuclear warfare – there really are kids out there now genuinely believing this horseshit and wanting to go through the experience.
As if to prove that Stephenie Meyer doesn’t have a single original bone in her worthless body, the entire story is a copy-paste job of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, although anyone having the balls to actually think the two stories as comparable should be dangled from a tree by a hate mob and have their insides torn out by hungry weasels. From the opening shot of Bella sleeping next o a copy of Shakespeare’s tragic masterpiece to the ending, where a hysterically ill-thought-out series of events leads to Edward believing Bella is dead and attempting to commit suicide, everything in this is a straight rip-off without any of the good stuff brought forward.
There could be dozens of jokes littered throughout this about how gay the vampires are, or how gay the half-naked werewolf boys are, but, honestly, it’s just not worth it. It’s too easy a target. So let’s take the high road instead and mention that the vampire council, the Volturi, are the most inept, useless and camp collection of folk ever to skip merrily down the Hershey highway. Michael Sheen is a fantastic actor, but here he is literally doing his best to try and out-gay everyone on screen by coming off as the worst giggling, prancing, preening queen ever to fail a Bond villain audition. Even the idea of the council is retarded – there’s one rule: never reveal yourself to a human. So what do they do when they discover that the Cullen clan have a human in their midst, in love with one of their brood? Absolutely sod all! They just stare at the wall, look at bit bored and go back to seeing how much forearm they can fit up each other.
There’s nothing in the film commendable, save maybe for Billy Burke’s long-suffering Charlie Swan, the only remotely likable character in this travesty. Seriously, after you see the endless stream of effluence he has to put up with from his vile daughter, you’ll cheer when he tries to get her to move out. You’ll want to buy him a beer when Bella’s horrific meddling in police business leads to his one and only friend getting killed. This man does not deserve that daughter. Honestly, dude, nobody would ever miss that shit-filled, troll-like, attention-seeking, cock-teasing, boy-chasing, thrill-seeking, demon, whore, slut. Just do the job and leave her in a shallow ditch in those woods. Please.
The actors can’t be bothered. The director doesn’t give two shits about anything on screen. The writer isn’t being paid enough to make Stephenie Meyer’s eye-searingly bad source material work on screen. The special effects team knocked off early for lunch. And you know what? The morons who actually think this is good are going to love it. It’s porn for prepubescent girls too afraid to go online and look at penises. And it’s the funniest film you’ll ever see… until the devil finishes work on the next film. Watch it with like-minded people and get some beers in. Move over, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, New Moon is the best worst film ever made.
My Rating: F (A)
Posted by 
omgeeee ii lovee twilight man im lyk in lovee taylor man his da boom lol but yeah ii lub twilight !!!!!!
I actually like this interpretation that you wrote. Where is it okay for a 107 year old vampire to go after a 17 year old and everyone is okay with it? New Moon of course…I know it has a lot of bad morals in it but it also gives girls something to dream about.
Robert Pattinson I thought was the whiny one in New Moon. He wasn’t’ nearly as strong as he was in Twilight. I was impressed with the werewolves and how their fur blew in the wind. That was my favorite. Kristen Stewart did a way better job in this one because the director didn’t let her direct New Moon like she did in Twilight…and Taylor Lautner was amazing. He should go up for an Emmy.
I just have to point out that Stephenie’s name is spelt, Stephenie Meyer. All e’s. But since you aren’t a fan I’ll forgive you.
This is a fantastically thorough and concise review that hits on things most people miss (Stephanie is a thinly veiled Bella vice versa whatever)/ Rob Pattinson pisses on this movies grave ALREADY/ self pity & relationshpis as obsession is not an empowering trip for our daughters & sisters to take.
HOWEVER
when guy centered teen fimls come out, no one questions if it harkens back to stereotypes, frames the guys realistically, “empowers” them, or meets the standards of Great Literature. (cough cough superbad) I think we got to let the teen ladies have this one. They want to ogle, fantasize about see sawing true love emotions and non-judgemental parenting, and thats no less realistic than American Pie.
This must be the best review of New Moon(movie) EVER! I stopped liking Twilight at the last few pages of New Moon. The way Bella leaves Jacob who has helped her get through so much, for the depressive, cold, obsessive blood-sucking vampire boyfriend of hers.
The movie was better than Twilight but only because of a few good actors left in the movie. The action scenes were pathetic! Out of the 3 leading actors, Taylor Lautner was the best unlike Kristen who really really needs acting lessons!!
Look, this is a simple dreamt-up world where a housewife, mother, and Mormon! creates a new world from an old genre of fangs and coffins into a story of immortal beauty and desire that we would mostly all accept if not desire. What a goal! What an accomplishment! It is an amazingly beautiful creation of fantasy and wit – a created world that offers a solution, although make-believe, to problems that exist within the youth of today. Get it? Romance, challenge of the utmost, love and the willingness to transcend reality for the adventure that ensues. An adventure that requires pain, death, suffering at an atomic level in order to attain immortality with a perfect partner – a perfect love. It is that and nothing more. Leave your morose and meandering clap-trap for another story. Stephanie, although not the greatest writer, has woven a simple dream into a brilliant tale of adventure and challenge. She did that alone and against the greatest odds! In the process, giving to us an incredible story that has brought enjoyment and fantasy to the world at large. A world seemingly very much in need of that fantasy. Get it? A brilliant fantasy!
THIS IS THE BEST REVIEW OF THE MOST RETARDED MOVIE EVER MADE, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“If Bella is an acceptable and accurate representation of young women today” … actually, bella is an accurate representation of a teenage girl except that she does her homework and chores without having to be asked. the average girl is just that, average. most people are boring, average people just like everyone reading this right now.
normally age difference is gross because of sexual experience but edward is still a juvenile in vampire world. he’s also a virgin. edward is no more wise than a young person never experiencing a full life and gaining those experiences. this is all new to him. bella is also 18 years old.
both sets of my grandparents met as teenagers and were married at 18 years of age and are still married till this day. i guess their relationships were just silly teenage crushes that meant nothing because they couldn’t have possibly felt anything real at that age. yeah, go smoke another one.
This review is just quality! lol
I am a twilight fan! however I have to agree with this review! its just quality! lol
The new moon book was really good, however the film……I only saw it once and as I was sat watching it I couldnt wait for it to finish…
Apologies to Twilight fans but this movie was not good at all!
This movie and book franchise is ridiculous. Stephanie Mayer is a POOR writer who is just as weak and annoying as Bella is.
okay i’m not the biggest fan of the twilight series but new moon was great, reviews like these are only published to make themselves stand out, the movie stills are meant to make them look bad and this review is filled with bad jokes and honestly it’s pathetic, and so was the way they described bella. she’s a fictional character dumbass!!! there’s no need for that sad attempt at an insult. so in conclusion. the twilight films and books are fantastic, whoever wrote this review can’t write and is probably jealous of Stephanie Meyers accomplishments and millions of fans. pathetic.
I love Twilight series specially Bella and Cullins
ok…i understand that every one has an opinion…but this is just offence…to stephenie meyer, the cast, and the fans!
The book and the film’s are both amazing, and its just because you dont have any think worthy to say that you just make this rubbish up!
I have watched new moon 4 times now, and i havnt had the urge to go jump of a cliff, and for domestic violence, yeah right!!
The twilight saga is amazing (ask any one of the 80 million people who have read it)
And dont be so offences, this isnt a movie reveiw, this is just an article where u have slated some think you dont like!
Like i said every one is entiled to any opinion..but this is just stupid!
And i dont think a review like this will put many people off…and any way if you didnt no the twilight franchise is the biggest in the world right now, and not mnay people are going to listen to you!
LOVE THE TWILIGHT SAGA, STEPHENIE MEYER, THE CAST AND THE CREW!
dude if you dont like it then why r u on this site????
While I enjoyed the books, very easy reading, not much brain damage as a result, I have to agree with this movie critic.
Kristin Stewart has no acting skills whatsoever, and I would have personally turned Bella in book one just to shut her up, her whinning & complaining is continuous and an annoyance to the highest degree.
Robert Pattison also requires some serious acting lessons, unless he feels standing looking off into space and mumbling every line will win him an Oscar.
I agree with other comments whereby Taylor Lautner saves this movie, the special effects were passable, but yes, the movie starts & ends nowhere with no great contribution.