Top 10 Worst Parts Of Bond Movies
14.11.08 # Top Ten # 36 CommentsWith the release the terribly-titled Quantum Of Solace, it’s time to look back at all the Bond movies and find the very worst parts of the superspy’s history.
10. Licence To Kill – Felix survives
The entire movie is a brutal experience from beginning to end, with Timothy Dalton’s Bond globetrotting and killing, steadily growing closer to avenging the death of Felix Leiter. Except… Felix isn’t dead. Turns out he survived his close encounter with a shark. All he lost was a foot. …Which was back by the next movie.
Asleep?
9. Diamonds Are Forever – Car stunt gone wrong
Quite a famous cock-up. Car goes into alley on one set of wheels. Car leaves alley on another. Director realises and throws in extra shot of car tilting.
8. A View To A Kill – Stacey Sutton
Roger Moore’s James Bond met a lot of sexually aggressive women. Stacey Sutton wasn’t one of them:
“CHAMES!” She screams, terrified.
“CHAMES!” She screams, overjoyed.
“CHAMES!” She screams, confused.
Ugh.
7. GoldenEye – You only get cast twice
Joe Don Baker was the villain in The Living Daylights. It was big part. Impossible not to notice. So why on earth did they cast him AGAIN, this time as a CIA agent, just two movies later and think no one would notice? Are there so few actors out there? Has the profession shrunk that much?
6. For Your Eyes Only – Bibi Dahl
Here’s a terrifying sexually aggressive women. Bibi Dahl, 17 year old skating prodigy, meets Bond at an ice rink one snowy day. An hour later, she’s broken into his room, used his shower, climbed into his bed naked and offered him sex.
Fortunately Bond, in the 40+ guise of Roger Moore, decides not to have the creepiest and most borderline illegal shag of his career. Thus, Bibi remains the first and only girl to be denied a romp in the sack by Bond.
5. The Spy Who Loved Me – Stromberg’s plan
Behold a man with a plan. Stromberg is going to start a nuclear war between the superpowers and create a colony under the sea! That evil bastar- wait, what?
Yes, his plan is sh*t and full of holes. He doesn’t even die properly – Bond just shoots him. You know you’re a terrible villain when you don’t even get a gloriously over the top demise.
4. The World Is Not Enough – Denise Richards, nuclear physicist
What’s more offensive, the frustratingly muddled “war for oil” plotline, or the sight of Denise Richards as nuclear physicist Christmas Jones? Thought so.
3. Moonraker – Jaws falls in love
Moonraker was a horrendously rushed and misjudged film all round. Designed to cash in on the space craze brought on by Star Wars, it was an awful attempt to get Bond into space.
The worst part comes near the end, when Jaws, the only henchman awesome enough to be allowed to live for a second movie, falls in love with a tiny blond woman. With pigtails. And glasses.
WHAT.
And then joins forces with Bond to mess Drax’s plan up.
DOUBLE WHAT.
2. Tomorrow Never Dies – The plot
Bond is going through one hell of an action packed adventure, working closely with a Chinese agent (Michelle Yeoh) in order to find out why the British and Chinese are being played against each other.
Finally, he comes face to face with Rupert Murdoch, I mean Elliot Carver, who explains his demented plan: if Britain and China go to war, he can get broadcast rights inside China.
Read that out loud. Then shake your head.
1. Die Another Day – The entire film
It’s too hard to narrow it down to just one moment from Die Another Day. The movie was so dumb it put Pierce Brosnan in his Bond grave and caused the whole creative team to head back to the drawing board.
Let’s go down the list:
a) Madonna theme tune
b) Korean man has his face changed to that of a smug white British toff
c) Invisible car
d) Ice Palace
e) CGI
f) Madonna cameo
g) Rip off of Diamonds of Forever
h) Hilariously inconsistent laser beam power from satellite
i) Halle Berry
j) He’s doing it all to take over South Korea
k) Makes no sense at all
l) LOOK AT HIM HE’S GOT DIAMONDS IN HIS FACE. WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR WOULD LEAVE THEM THERE?
And that brings us to the end of this trip down memory lane. What are your least favourite Bond moments? I could go on. And I probably will.
Wait, Denise Richards isn’t a nuclear physicist? My mind has been blown.
I never watched a Bond film til Goldeneye, and when he dives off the cliff and manages to catch up to and climb into a falling airplane, I knew this series wasn’t for me.
While were at it, lets be honest, Alicia Keyes and Jack White in theory should have been a great first duo on a bond theme (too bad they didn’t use the title for the movie itself). But if you listen to the song, horrible is an understatement, it sounds like a bad kareoke version of a potentially good song, if you call it that even.
Easy peasy on this one — The “hilarious” fire engine chase sequence from A VIEW TO A KILL with “Stacy Sutton”/Tanya Roberts (“CHAMES!”) behind the wheel and Roger Moore’s Bond slapsticking it up while hanging off the ladder. *SHUDDER*
That totally inspired the similar sequence in Terminator 3! Bond’s a trendsetter.
1. “Looks like Christmas came early this year.” (The World is Not Enough)
2. Producers: “What? Witticisms? Humour? No way! Let’s just make Bond into an expressionless, charmless bastard! Yeah, that’s the way forward! Oh yeah, and a black Felix Leiter makes total sense.” Result: Casino Royale and Quantum of Crappi…er, Solace.
3. “The name is Bond. You know the rest.” (“Tomorrow Never Dies” trailer)
“On Her Majesty Secret Service” They had to bring back Sean Connery after this one.
Daniel Craig as James Bond.
People waited years for Brosnan to be Bond and while the movies may not have been the best, he was a natural successor to Connery. But Daniel Craig?
Okay, they made a good action flick – but not a Bond movie. Craig doesn’t even look or act anything like one would expect from JB. Hell, I would have rather seen George Clooney in the role – at least he’d be dashing.
I also agree that Quantum of Solace was the worst Bond movie name ever (okay may Moonraker is first). It sounds like a dismal dystopian scifi flick – of which there were some at the time it came out. Hence I kept confusing it with the others.
The worst Bond moment has to be the pigeon double-take from Moonraker. Bond drives a ridiculous hovercraft gondola through a populated square in Venice and they actually make a pigeon double-take by moving the tape back and forth. At least it helps you forget the stupid hover-gondola incident.
Hang on a minute, why do I love Bond movies?
I like BIBI.
HaTe Daniel Craig, he SUCKS
I liked Die Another Day.
Is Halle Berry something to critisize?
If so, then you sir are gay :p
Halle Berry makes ANY movie better. To list her as one of the bad things about a movie is just plain stupid.
Yeah I have to agree with Moonraker being on the list.If they hadn’t made Jaws a comical 7 footer,I might have considered. Worst Bond film ever.
Oh come on, if you are a true Bond fan, you have read the Ian Fleming books, and DC embodies the true essence of what Mr. Fleming intended for JB. I grew up with these movies and I’ve seen them all a million times, and I quote JB on a daily basis (I know I’m a dork), but Hollywood created the SC version, even though he is my favorite. For me the worst movies are from TD and PB. The most unbelievable scene is sledding down a mountain in a cello case and steering with the cello.
Bohmarmonk, in interviews Ian Fleming himself said he envisioned Bond as the British equivalent of Cary Grant. So no, I don’t think Daniel Craig quite fits Fleming’s intentions.
um…Cary Grant was British. He was born and raised in Bristol. But no, Daniel Craig doesn’t quite hit the mark, does he?
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