The Larry Crowne soundtrack. BLEEEEUUUURRRRRGGGGHHH bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh blllllleurrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh… pant pant pant… BLEEEEUUURRRGHHHHH… oh Jesus… no… no more… BLEEEEEEEEEEUUUURR gagagagagagaEEEEUUURRRGHHHHH. No, that’s not the sound of a group of tourists two hours after drinking Mexican tap water, it’s the sound of some poor bastard who’s just bought the Larry Crowne soundtrack album, and made it past, ooh, say, track three.

‘Inoffensive’ is the type of adjective that another reviewer might use to describe the relentless MOR of this OST, and that would be wrong. The Larry Crowne soundtrack is as offensive as jeggings, as ugly as a Wal Mart, as nourishing as corn syrup and as good-hearted as a life-insurance salesman. If Jack Lemmon’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross were trying to sell you a five-foot-wide patch of rock-covered land on the outskirts of Tripoli, this is the kind of music he might put on in the background, whilst holding up a picture of Gaddafi and explaining how good he’d been for the economy.

It is asinine beyond description, daft in spades, pointless, toothless schmushy tripe aimed at the kind of person who was middle-aged by their late twenties, punctuated by gormless lyrics about ‘holding on tight to your dreams’ and ‘feeling like anything is possible’, which is another way of saying ‘we’re hoping lonely middle aged dads will listen to this in their kitchen whilst making a big pot of homemade ratatouille that their alienated teenage children aren’t going to eat’. Whoop whoop, you can still get your dreams, Julia Roberts would probably like you if she got to know you, and guitars are just great, woo yeah baby oooh!

The Billy Squier track is actually alright in a sub-AC/DC family-friendly riffs sort of way, but the five cumulative tracks from Tom Petty and ELO are as riveting as comfortable slacks. Whoever the hell Jarrod Gorbel is, he’s got the musical qualities of a bucket of child’s vomit coloured purple and blue by half-digested candy and sloshed around in a Hello Kitty branded washing-up bowl, whilst Sky Ferreira’s flatulent vocodered trance pish is so bad it’s inclusion on this Hanks vanity project (Hanks directed, Hanks co-written, Hanks starring) makes me retrospectively angry at every character he’s ever played, including and in particular Capt. John H Miller from Saving Private Ryan. How could he let this happen?

You can download the Larry Crowne soundtrack as mp3s here
Or get it on cd here

Larry Crowne Soundtrack (Songs) – Track List
1. Hold On Tight - Electric Light Orchestra
2. Runnin’ Down A Dream – Tom Petty
3. Something’s Got Me Started – Swingfly
4. The Stroke (2010 Digital Remaster) – Billy Squier
5. Obsession – Sky Ferreira
6. Calling America - Electric Light Orchestra
7. Listen To Her Heart (Album Version) – Tom Petty
8. Cruisin’ – Smokey Robinson
9. Faithful [Live] – Tyler Hilton
10. Walls (No. 3) (Album Version) – Tom Petty & The Heart Breakers
11. I’ll Do Better – Jarrod Gorbel
12. The Hundredth Time – Gigi
13. French Toast – James Newton Howard

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