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Top 10 Best & Worst Jessica Alba Movies

5. Valentine’s Day (2010)

Jessica Alba 2011
What is love? According to this ensemble rom-com, in which Alba features, it is middle-of-the-road music so tepid as to make even the fluffiest kitten hanker for some death metal, playing over interminable, interchangeable scenes featuring lab-built showbiz bland-droids like Jennifer Garner and Taylors Swift and Lautner. Director Garry Marshall fashions a movie-verse of such idealised phoniness as to make his Happy Days TV show seem like a devastating document of social turmoil.

4. An Invisible Sign (2010)

Jessica Alba 2011
Hey, great news! We can get Jessica Alba for our movie! Yay! Hooray for us! Hollywood glory, here we come!

But wait! What should we cast her as? Think now. What role would make absolute best use of her assets? I’ve got it! A mathematician. Oh yes indeedy-do! There’s no way our movie’s not going to be massive…

3. The Love Guru (2008)

Mike Myers, we are told, is a real handful, a neurotic comic performer cut from the same mad genius cloth as one of his idols, Peter Sellers. And that is why he makes so few films, because he insists on endlessly working on and tinkering with his characters first – to the point where they are like a second personality for him, a sister soul he can access as easily as any part of his own psyche.

Er, anyone care to explain The Love Guru then? A movie in which Myers dons false beard and adopts vaguely silly accent, to very little comic effect. As his love interest, Alba appears almost comatose but, in her defence, self-sedation was perhaps the only way to survive the shoot with her sanity unmolested.

2. Little Fockers (2010)

Jessica Alba 2011
If Alba has a key weakness it is that she is never better than her material, coming over as stilted and robotic when the script is not up to scratch. And ‘not up to scratch’ could be taken as succinct summary of the third Meet the Parents movie as a whole, with Alba playing a ‘sexy’ medical rep who is more plot device than even semi-rounded character.

In a film that no one aside from Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro’s agents and accountants asked for, the actress is very much one of the lesser lights, with her Spanish dancing scene with Dustin Hoffman (she is dressed in just her underwear) proving about as hilarious as a baton shot to the balls.

1. Good Luck Chuck (2007)

Jessica Alba 2011
In this film, Dane Cook’s character is cursed: every woman he sleeps with goes on to marry the next guy she dates. Well, I guess that the promise of finding true love eternal is probably just about the one thing and the one thing only that could convince any self-respecting member of the fairer sex to allow Dane Cook anywhere near her goodies. To permit his small town con-man face within slurping distance of her bare skin. To consent to his whining voice whispering in her ear, like a slow-witted sex pest on the phone to a lingerie shop.

Enter Jessica Alba! She’s gorgeous! She’s a klutz! He wants to hump her but he can’t, because then she’ll marry someone else! Dane Cook tries to break the curse by sleeping with a morbidly obese chick. Audiences try to break Dane Cook by pelting him with coins, bottles and abuse whenever they spot him on the street. You can watch one of the many cringeworthy scenes here.

Agree/Disagree? What’s missing? Let me know in the comments.

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12 Comments »

  • G said

    Did I read this wrong? There are five ‘best’ movies from her?

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    • Sheridan Passell said
      Sheridan Passell

      She’s made more movies in the last ten years than Judi Dench. Therefore she is the better actress.

      Should Machete be on the best or worst list, I can’t decide.

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  • Ize said

    You should definitely include Paranoid to the list of worst movies!

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  • Joker said

    I can’t beleive what I’m reading. Rise of the silver surfer is among her best ? You’ve got to be kidding.

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  • gd smith said

    The love Guru! Mike Meyer’s finally achieved exact feel of a late 1960s pseudo-sex comedy starring Peter Sellers. Not one good joke, a production design so garish I can sill see it when I close my eyes to this day and that horrible bowel exploding feeling of being mesmerized by the shear force of it’s awfulness.
    The thing about Jessica Alba is that she looks great but is too bland to carry a movie. If you saw her in a bit part you’d think, ‘that’s a saucy strumpet’. But as a star she could easily upstaged by a lamp.

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  • G said

    I actually put Megan Fox above her as far as talent goes. Not that’s saying much. Both are in the biz cause of their looks. I’m OK with that, just don’t expect me to take you seriously

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  • amanda said

    Megan Fox has no talent what-so-ever.

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  • Brodie Scotts said

    jessica alba is in this biz for her looks alone, now i am NOT complaining, however she does have talent she is just put into crappy roles

    and by the way dane cook is awesome!

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  • Emeka said

    Good luck chuck waz a veri niz movie. Xpected it to be in her best 5.

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