For the month of October I’ve been watching one horror movie that’s new to me every single weekday and writing up my thoughts. Please post your reactions in the comments.

Saturday
Night of the Comet

This campy end-of-the-world fest stars Catherine Mary Stewart, the super hot unsung starlet of the 80s (see also The Last Starfighter and Weekend at Bernie’s for proof of this). She’s cute, charming, and is the only living woman who can out eyebrow Martin Scorsese.

Nailed the audition.

Ms. Stewart plays a hapless theater worker who just happens to have sex with a co-worker in a steel room, which protects her from the rays of a passing comet which turns everyone in the world into dust or zombies. Luckily, her sister also spent the night in a steel tool shed so they join forces in order to survive and go on a shopping spree.

The 80s attempted a Kirsten Dunst, but failed.

Occasionally they run into a zombie, but kill it before it can hurt them. Then a bunch of government agents show up and there’s some gunfire, then rain comes and washes away all that space radiation and everyone lives happily ever after. It’s really not much of a story now that I think about it, but if you’ve rented 28 Days Later too many times this will sate your lust for abandoned post-apocalyptic cities.

Sunday
The Children

I agree with every other adult male: children are creepy. The problem is, when you use them in a horror movie, it’s best to keep them from being outright monsters cause let’s face it, if a 6 year old wants to start some sh*t all you have to do is kick ‘em in the head and run away.

Unless they are backlit and line up to stare at you ominously, then you’re f*cked.

Therein lies the fatal flaw of this film; all the kills are “accidents” where the adult goes to soothe the child and trips or falls into a sharp object. Every single kill is this way, making this movie seem more like a farce than a horror, except farces are fun and this movie is really, really boring.

To be fair, nine hours of Dora the Explorer will do this to anyone.

Ultimately it’s never clear if the kids are possessed, evil, or just overtaken by some sort of “rage virus.” Sometimes they kill and other times they appear to be normal with no clear cause. There’s no defined inciting incident and the movie just meanders from random death to random death with a bunch of screaming and confusing character actions in between. Even though pale children staring at the camera will always be creepy, this movie fails to do anything with it and just peters into drivel.

Monday
Child’s Play

Just the thought of Brad Dourif in the body of a doll should make this the scariest movie ever made. But despite the pedo undertones (at one point Chucky actually says “I gotta go, I have a date with a six-year-old boy”) Child’s Play is only really scary before they reveal Chucky’s face.

And also when you stop to think, where is the puppeteer?

Like most 80s horror movies, all the kills go big, be it falling out of windows, having your legs broken with the help of a voodoo doll, a speeding car chase, or lightning strikes burning a doll factory to the ground. The problem with this is that spectacle of this sort might be fun, but it isn’t scary. They too quickly get away from the simple puppet shots of the top of Chucky head above the kitchen counters and he wreaks havoc in the apartment and turn to full body shots of a little person in costume, running around in bright light.

The last thing Barbie ever saw.

In the end, this flick is a total blast, but honestly a remake in the proper hands could generate far more scares.

Psychological State After Entire Month Of Watching Horror Movies:
I AM BIROC, ELDER GOD OF THE DEEP PLACES. THIS MORTAL NOW BELONGS TO ME. BRING ME YOUR LOVED ONES AS A SACRIFICE OR I WILL RAZE YOUR CIVILIZATION TO THE GROUND.

Read Week 1 Here
Read Week 2 Here
Read Week 3 Here
Read Week 4 Here