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Worst Movies Of 2009 – Preview

2009 Movies Best & Worst | 2009 Movies Guide |Earlier we looked forward to the best movies of 2009, but we also want to be on hand to remind everyone there’s a turd tidal wave on the way. Indeed, we’re about to enter a bonanza time for crap movies – January/February is traditionally where studios dump their total garbage. Cedric The Entertainer calls it home.

Here is movie-moron’s preview of the worst movies of 2009.


10. CHANDNI CHOWK TO CHINA

Some will say this looks like fun. For the rest of us – total horsesh*t.

The fact this is likely to get a bigger release in the States than Oldboy did brings shame on us all.


steven-seagal-ruslan-photo9. RUSLAN

Ever wondered what 57 year old Steven Seagal is up to these days? Well he’s still beavering away making exactly the same action films. Except the production values get worse with every movie. He refuses to change his act even slightly, no matter how terrible the action movie offers get or how much he increasingly resembles an angry pumpkin with a ponytail. In a way, that demands tremendous respect.


8. THE UGLY TRUTH

Two irritating characters irritating each other, irritating us.

When Gerard Butler is bad (70% of the time), he’s really bad.


7. I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS

What is this meant to be? SNL skit? Heart-warming drama? Tonally all over the shop. Hands up who wants to see Jim Carrey kiss Ewan McGregor.


6. GIALLO

Oh Dario Argento. These days the visionary director of Suspiria and Tenebrae isn’t half as talented as Paul W.S. Anderson.


worst best movies 20095. Uwe Boll’s STOIC

Director Uwe Boll is back. Stoic centers on a true event where three German inmates gambled on a poker game and the loser was forced to eat, regurgitate, and eat his own vomit. The tale escalates into much more when the inmates rape the man for 10 hours before forcing him to commit suicide.

It stars Edward Furlong.


4. DANCE FLICK

Don’t be deceived. Remember all the best bits from the movie are in the trailer. So if half of them are falling flat – BE WARNED.

From the team that brought you White Chicks and Little Man. Just as one series of terrible spoof films has been killed off at the box office, the Wayans Brothers start theirs up again.


3. FIRED UP

Throwing out the funny guy / straight guy combo that has worked so well for comedies since the beginning of time and replacing it with unfunny boring guy / unfunny boring guy, may not pay off.

FYI The student with blonde hair is 31.


2. PINK PANTHER 2

Here’s the way to describe this. It’s like The Pink Panther movie was the unfunny kid in the class. Then someone told him he was hilarious ($80m at the box office) and now The Pink Panther 2 is that kid acting up even more, with unjustified confidence, to even more grating results.

FYI Pink Panther 2 has the oldest knockabout comedy cast ever assembled – Steve Martin (63), Jean Reno (60), Alfred Molina (55), Andy Garcia (52) and John Cleese (69). They have a combined age of exactly 300 years.


1. ACE VENTURA JR. PET DETECTIVE

They made this for theatrical release in September 2008, but somebody pulled the plug at the last minute. If you’ve always wanted to watch a fat kid do a woeful Jim Carrey impression for 100 minutes, then your moment arrives in March.

The ‘extras’ they tout on the dvd consist mainly of people standing up.


HONOURABLE MENTIONS
G.I. Joe – Need to see the trailer to confirm suspicions.

What do you think will be worst movies of 2009? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

Also See – 2009 : Best Movies


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55 Comments »

  • Adam Mason said

    So *two* Jim Carrey films have sequels without him, instead featuring a “son” that we never knew about? The world has lost the plot.

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  • Sheridan Passell said
    Sheridan Passell

    Also in both cases he has run out on the mother.

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  • Adam Mason said

    That rat bastard.

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  • thesharkguys said

    There is no way Seagal can top his hammiest acting as Gino Felino (!) in Out for Justice…which features some of the crappiest Brooklyn accents you’ll find on screen…

    I think S.S. has played an Italian guy, Native guy…um…vaguely Asian guy…so now a Russian is a, dare I say, natural fit…

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  • thesharkguys said

    Maybe that’s Seagal’s Eastern Promises…

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  • Bobbar said

    Also, the “Shazam” movie is due out this year… in which my most beloved comic book super-hero will be tarnished and slandered beyond all hope, by The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) & Co. Is nothing sacred? These are the end-times!

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  • puerto mario antonio dorrito said

    Man, Steven Seagal couldnt act dead if somebody shot him. I read his thoughts in an interview, and he seems to think that anyone younger than him coming up in the martial arts film industry is a ‘pu**y’ (his very own words). Would love to of seen him in Ong Bak, but the film would of taken at least 4 years to watch as it takes him and his chin 4 months to ‘perform’ a round house. What a c**k.

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  • Cyanide said

    If you were looking for worst movies in 2009 than you failed…

    look at these:

    Watchman

    1 hour and 30 minutes it is one big drama where you meet the whore, geek, blue shiny God(?) who doesn’t likes to wear pants, asshole who calls himself comedian and acctually thinks he is funny, geek + asshole combo and you get to watch every 15 mins of movie that big blue shining dick in the center of screen but there is only 11 seconds of tits in entire movie…

    Dragonball Evolution

    Have no words for that tragedy…

    Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

    Just gay…

    I am sorry for bad use of grammar… I am not English so I do make spelling misstakes (in case there is grammar nazi among you)

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  • jorge said

    the worst movie that deserves to burn in hell is Twilight, my girlfriend asked for me to go with her and i litterally broke up with her from that movie it sucked sooooooooooo bad!!!!!!!!!

    thats the worst movie

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  • Uunknown said

    These are the 2009’s best movies. Ok the worst movie ever is Knowing it was the stupidest film me and my boyfriend ever saw love u RIsto it was so gay I told the movie theater to burn the film

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  • Fayde said

    I would vote a tie between Twilight and dragonball evolution…

    In one an ancient vampire falls in love with a 16 year old girl… are you kidding me? And they sparkle in the sun… the thought of it makes me want to puke.

    In the other, the studio spends 120 million to completely rape, destroy, and mutilate the childhood memories of thousands of Americans and Japanese alike.

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  • Marcus said

    We must not forget the absolute worst thing that could have happened to such a strong Capcom franchise. I call this abomination Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li.

    I shall stand up tall with my fists at my hips and laugh at your feeble attempts to find a movie worse than this one.

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  • tC said

    The Day the Earth Stood Still is an insult to us all. At least i never saw an advertisement for Pet Detective Jr!!! Day the Earth Stood Still was rammed down our throat as a block buster….. ” buy a bullet… and rent a gun?? “

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  • TwilightFanatic said

    Look, whoever said that twilight should burn in hell has REALLY got some issues! Twilight was the best movie ever and i might just be saying this because i’m a fourteen-year-old girl but COME ON! U guys r just jealous because RPattz is the hottest guy on the planet!
    but I’m not writing this to talk about good movies. this is a bad movie website so here goes:
    I think the worst movies of 2009 are Confessions of a shopaholic and (will be) G.I. Joe. I mean, that looks SO bad! why go waste ten million dollars on some crappy movie? and for Confessions, I saw it in theatres and it just made me feel uncomfortable and angry (at myself) because i spent ten dollars to see that movie! plus, if you’re gonna make someone be obsessed with clothes, at least make them GOOD clothes!

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  • g.d.smith said

    Steven Seagal is his own genre. The broader values of cinema do not apply. Ruslan is a Steven Seagal film. Simply by starring Steven Seagal it is 100% successful at being a Steven Seagal film. In a way Seagal is like Godard. His art is sepperate from other notions of film.

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