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5 Reasons The ‘Fifty Shades’ Movie Will Be Awful

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5
Take a look at the photos above. Study the faces of the young actors. That’s Charlie Hunnam from TV’s Sons of Anarchy. That’s Dakota Johnson from The Social Network. Get to know them very well, because next year their faces are going to be goddamn everywhere when the hype machine goes into overdrive for Fifty Shades of Grey.

These two actors have been cast as domineering ultra-mega-billion-zillionaire Christian Grey and his virginal overflow pipe Ana Steele. Apparently this casting is causing a big hoo-hah among the women of the world, who aren’t satisfied with Hunnam as Grey. This may not sound like much to you and me, but this is basically the menopausal version of Ben Affleck being Batman. A petition on Change.org is already past the 55,000 signature mark, demanding that the roles go to Matt Bomer (TV’s White Collar) and Alexis Bledel (no idea who that is, can’t be bothered to Google her right now). [Update: Hunnam just quit.] I’d like to take the opportunity today to stand on a soap box and tell you, the people of Planet Earth some harsh truths. It doesn’t matter who has or hasn’t cast in the Fifty Shades movie because it’s going to be awful no matter what.

For those of you who managed to miss – lucky you – the literary ‘phenomenon’ (a word that is rapidly losing meaning by the year) that was the Fifty Shades ‘trilogy’ (another word that’s lost meaning), then here’s a quick recap. Plucky young virgin Ana Steele gets a job working for mysterious, brooding Edward Cullen-alike Christian Grey. He makes her sign a sex contract. They have sex. He turns out to be a dominant and enjoys sexually torturing the inexperienced young woman. She heals his damaged heart. They fall in love, get married, and have several children. The end. This takes three books and over one thousand pages.

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5

I can hear you bleating away, there. ‘So why is this going to be awful?’ you ask. ‘Surely a book that approaches the difficult topics of S&M and raises awareness of men’s damaged hearts is deserving of some attention?’ A good point. But it’s wrong. Here are five reasons why the film is going to be every bit as bad as the book, if not worse.

(5) The book is composed entirely of author E.L. James’s fantasies.

Therefore, nothing that happens within the covers (if you’ll pardon the pun) bears any similarity with the real world. I did this thing once, it was a crazy, mad thing – it’s called research. Basically, I spent half an hour on Tumblr, looking at various people’s blogs and I read a lot of first-hand accounts of people who live the Dom/Sub lifestyle. You know what the craziest thing is? None of them bear any relation to Fifty Shades, not one. In fact, many of those blogs go out of their way to highlight how very, deeply wrong E.L. James got the subject matter. You’re not reading a book about child abuse and its effects on the male sexuality, you’re swotting up on a middle-aged woman’s fantasies that her husband will spank her with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail.

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