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5 Reasons The ‘Fifty Shades’ Movie Will Be Awful

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5
Take a look at the photos above. Study the faces of the young actors. That’s Charlie Hunnam from TV’s Sons of Anarchy. That’s Dakota Johnson from The Social Network. Get to know them very well, because next year their faces are going to be goddamn everywhere when the hype machine goes into overdrive for Fifty Shades of Grey.

These two actors have been cast as domineering ultra-mega-billion-zillionaire Christian Grey and his virginal overflow pipe Ana Steele. Apparently this casting is causing a big hoo-hah among the women of the world, who aren’t satisfied with Hunnam as Grey. This may not sound like much to you and me, but this is basically the menopausal version of Ben Affleck being Batman. A petition on Change.org is already past the 55,000 signature mark, demanding that the roles go to Matt Bomer (TV’s White Collar) and Alexis Bledel (no idea who that is, can’t be bothered to Google her right now). [Update: Hunnam just quit.] I’d like to take the opportunity today to stand on a soap box and tell you, the people of Planet Earth some harsh truths. It doesn’t matter who has or hasn’t cast in the Fifty Shades movie because it’s going to be awful no matter what.

For those of you who managed to miss – lucky you – the literary ‘phenomenon’ (a word that is rapidly losing meaning by the year) that was the Fifty Shades ‘trilogy’ (another word that’s lost meaning), then here’s a quick recap. Plucky young virgin Ana Steele gets a job working for mysterious, brooding Edward Cullen-alike Christian Grey. He makes her sign a sex contract. They have sex. He turns out to be a dominant and enjoys sexually torturing the inexperienced young woman. She heals his damaged heart. They fall in love, get married, and have several children. The end. This takes three books and over one thousand pages.

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5

I can hear you bleating away, there. ‘So why is this going to be awful?’ you ask. ‘Surely a book that approaches the difficult topics of S&M and raises awareness of men’s damaged hearts is deserving of some attention?’ A good point. But it’s wrong. Here are five reasons why the film is going to be every bit as bad as the book, if not worse.

(5) The book is composed entirely of author E.L. James’s fantasies.

Therefore, nothing that happens within the covers (if you’ll pardon the pun) bears any similarity with the real world. I did this thing once, it was a crazy, mad thing – it’s called research. Basically, I spent half an hour on Tumblr, looking at various people’s blogs and I read a lot of first-hand accounts of people who live the Dom/Sub lifestyle. You know what the craziest thing is? None of them bear any relation to Fifty Shades, not one. In fact, many of those blogs go out of their way to highlight how very, deeply wrong E.L. James got the subject matter. You’re not reading a book about child abuse and its effects on the male sexuality, you’re swotting up on a middle-aged woman’s fantasies that her husband will spank her with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail.

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58 Comments »

  • Good Idea said

    Can we please cast Mr. Grey from Dreamcatcher? Or maybe Duddits.

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  • Colin said

    I don’t normally post on articles or blogs but that is a brilliantly written piece.
    Never read any of the book series and have zero interest in the film but I do get annoyed by people paying to watch crap (e.g. Twilight series)and then idiotically defending such rubbish as the best thing since sliced bread.

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  • Adam said

    Have never read Fifty Shades of Gray, so I am by no means defending it, but wow, you’re a fool.

    You write a three page blog, and can’t be bothered to Google someone, I’m assuming because it’s supposed to make you look cool or busy?

    And then you “research” S&M relationships by reading blogs, which now makes you a qualified expert. GENIUS!

    Get your act together, rather than criticizing other people’s work, how about considering why nobody has bothered to care about your “two books” which I’m sure have been published *wink wink* and write something worth reading.

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    • ad4m22 said

      I never claimed to be an expert, friend. I just stated the fact that I was more well-versed on the subject matter than the author herself.

      I’m curious, though. You’re not defending the book, but you’re attacking my own reasonable and thought-out criticisms of it. Is there some specific part that you disagreed with?

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      • me said

        You guys suck!! Fifty Shades introduced me to the world of domination!! It’s the best!!!! CHRISTIANGREY4EVA!!!!!!!!!!!

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        • KartofflMuter said

          Adult much? I’ve read the complete works of the Marquis de Sade (what has been translated,kept safe from the fires, made it out of France.) You’re a child.

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      • Ken Sean Carson said

        Even I have admit that fact you said you couldn’t google Alexis made you look like an asshole. It takes all of 2 seconds to google someone.

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        • sweet-lovin-zombie said

          Oh my god, you people are ridiculous! Why does it matter whether or not he googled the girl? Maybe he was writing the article on paper, and wasn’t in front of a computer screen. Then when he went to go type it, he didn’t feel like going back and changing it. Or maybe his internet wasn’t acting right at the time he was writing it. Or maybe he knew that if he stopped writing to look her up, he’d lose his train of thought. Do you seriously think he was trying to offend Alexis by saying that? I mean, it was an amazing article, and clearly took some time and effort. It’s pretty childish that you’re nitpicking over such a small, unimportant detail. It didn’t take away from the fact that the article was well written, and it did prove a valid point. A lot of the women (and men) who read Fifty Shades believe what the book portrays, and nose dive into a completely different world without knowing what they’re getting into. I’m not hating on those who choose to live an alternative lifestyle, i’m just saying that the way Fifty Shades sees it, and the way it really is are two TOTALLY different things.

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  • dalmatianjaws said

    A-men!!!!!!

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  • octileguy said

    Dead on! I’m actually glad they gave the parts to these two instead of stars people would WANT to see.

    Great article on all levels. Thanks!

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  • gd smith said

    It a soft porn romance aimed at girls. Leave em’ to it and get real. The main thing articles like this illustrate is the he man woman haters little rascals undercurrents in the manly world of comic book and superhero dominated film culture. How dare girls like different stuff that’s all sissy and girly and unrealistic, unlike batman which is not at at all a homoerotic tale of a confirmed bachelor in fetish wear wrestling colorful villains in a thinly veiled New York. And does fifty Shade really have worse dialogue than Sin City or watchmen or 300.

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    • Sheridan Passell said
      Sheridan Passell

      If a female writer wrote a critical article about ‘Showgirls’ I wouldn’t think it was undeserved.

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      • gd smith said

        Fair point to an extent, but this is very long article pre-bashing a film that hasn’t actually been made let alone released on the spurious grounds that it isn’t realistic.
        Why does fifty shades need to be anymore realist than any other film. It all strikes me as being silly uutraged butt hurt whining about the possibility that that girls might make a franchise a hit. It isn’t a critique of a film.
        Personally, I think the rise of the comic book movie is no different to this or twilight or whatever. They’re franchised burger films aimed at demographics and driven by brand loyalty. I’ve read many critiques and defenses of showgirls from male and female perspectives, This isn’t the same thing. This is whine, gripe, please listen to me. I’m an expert, boo hoo, it’s so trashy boys club stuff.

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    • Jaz said

      Did you just compare this to 3 great movies and say they have bad dialogue?

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    • Annabelle said

      Except the movies you referenced are quite different. The source material was well written and rooted in decades of stories and fandom. Not to mention that Watchmen was revolutionary to the way people wrote and viewed graphic novels. It’s landed on many lists that rank literature based on content opposed to units sold. It has been acclaimed in a number of publications ranging from The Comics Journal to Time Magazine. Not to mention that these comic books that you claim represent a “he man woman haters club”, feature strong empowered female characters capable of accomplishing anything that their male counterparts can. They are not comparable to 50 Shades of Grey, not because it’s a “girly” franchise, but because it’s a poorly written piece of garbage. Read Maus the graphic novel depicting the true story of a Holocaust survivor and tell me again about the manly world of comic books.

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  • rb1012 said

    I haven’t read 50 shades and don’t intend too, but my impression is it’s basically a ‘Story of O’, which was/is considered porno trash and insulting to women (at least the movie), yet now, 50 Shades is erotic excellence. I agree, for this kind of movie to work, it should have a NC-17 rating, yet I hear they are going for R, which begs the question, what’s the point.

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    • frozenmona said

      Read the book….it was awful. The sex was the same every time, by the end of the first book Ana’s bottom lip should have been chewed off. The writing was poorly done and the author apparently knows only a few descriptive words. It was 2 days of my life I’ll never get back. I only read it because everyone kept saying how great it was. Halfway through I found myself flipping past all the sex scenes just to hurry up and get done with the book. Had all I could do to finish it and refused to read the second two even if I was stranded on a deserted island with nothing else to do. I would rather count grains of sand…

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      • halosbane said

        Frozenmona, thank you…! Before Fifty Shades, I had never NEVER EVER skipped a sex scene in a book EVER before. I started reading Fifty Shades…bored me to tears…read the first sex scene…eh…skipped the 2nd and the third before finally giving up on the whole book altogether…

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  • Nicole said

    Thanks for stating the obvious and don’t assume that virgins are so gullible they believe everything they read about sex. And don’t assume that non-virgins won’t be equally influenced by this book. I’m going to say this and I mean it with all due respect, I agree with you 100 percent about the movie flopping but you have got to be a total retarded nitwit to think you came up with some astonishing revelation here. You’re dumb and your books have to suck too. No way around it.

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  • Doramin said

    I swear, if only Alexis Bledel had been cast I and many more people would actually have seen the movie.

    I mean, who wouldn’t drop ten bucks to watch RORY GILMORE(!) get violated?

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  • Ricky Dumas said

    Comparing “Fifty shades” to “Harry Potter” is akin to comparing that steaming turd you mentioned to a four-year-old kid in a fairy costume. One is a badly-written, highly pornographic Mills & Boon clone, the other a comic fairytale with an entirely different (initial) target audience. EL James didn’t aim her tome at teens and preteens, regardless of who actually got hold of it.
    Rowling can write, James can’t. End of story.

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  • Brandy said

    I am SO glad you called ‘Harry Potter’ a fad, along with the others. I have been trying to get people to realize this fact for years, to no avail… Just like Twilight and ostensibly 50 Shades, I cannot fathom why those books and movies are so d**m popular. It’s disgusting the fan-girl/boy manic adoration to these literary and cinematic turds.

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  • mariah said

    So your numner one reason why this film is going to suck is bc who ever choose these actors must not have read the book. The man actor is a perfect choice however his female counterpart is a fail. If they do not recast her this movie will tank.

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  • EmmyS said

    Okay, so I usually just read people’s articles and avoid commenting on them, so as to avoid any..umm…online dissension..but wow..I just have to say that I loved reading this 😀
    I’d describe myself as an avid reader, so when this whole 50 shades craze started, I just HAD to read the book…yeah…worst mistake of my life…
    The characters were vapid, without any other characters or background to support them, the storyline was cliché and overused, and all in all, the whole ‘book’ (if it even has the right to be called that) was a thousand or so pages filled with exceptionally unrealistic BS.

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    • TERRIBLE said

      I also read the book, because I LOVE to read…..total disappointment. When he said it was a knock off of Twilight, he was not lying. Each and every book seemed the same. Each and every sex scene, the same. The characters…ugh. I cannot express how bad the first week of trying to get through the first book was. I can read a good book in a day or two. Even with skipping pages it still took me longer than a week to read. The male cast was terrific. I couldn’t pick a better male lead, the female role….umm yeah, nothing to comment on. The book(s) is bad. the dialogue, the sentence structures, the plots everything was terrible. I cannot express enough how much I despise these books. Everyone who reads them, that I know, say the same thing. They expected them to be better, it took forever to read and by the middle of the second one they were through with the series.

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  • Terri Deano said

    I bought the first book before all the hoo ha broke out and didn’t know what I was letting myself in for. I was about to board a plane and needed something to read; Four hours later, after skipping through most of the pages, I couldn’t wait to disembark and throw that piece of badly written trash into the nearest rubbish bin. Oh my!

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  • Chattery said

    Reading the last point, all I thought to myself was “what’s great is a woman wrote it”.

    If men wrote either Twilight or Fifty Shades, people would be up in arms calling it sexist and misogynist etc, but because these are all women it’s fine.

    Personally I am a Twihard (sucker for punishment I guess) and have the book trilogy, but only read half of Grey (that’s simply because I can’t keep up with reading at the moment in my life).

    From what I read it was poor, but it got the job done, and that was to titillate, and it worked.

    I look forward to the film because sexuality is so ignored and quiet in our society when it needs to be more open and free. I’m not saying men need to whip out their dicks in public, there just needs to be a stop to this “oh we don’t talk about this and that makes it exciting”. Refer to the recent Blurred Lines and Tunnel Vision videos – sexuality is becoming more and more mainstream as time goes on, and if this stops conservative ignorance then I’m all for it.

    Plus I want to bang Charlie Hunnam.

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