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5 Reasons The ‘Fifty Shades’ Movie Will Be Awful

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5
Take a look at the photos above. Study the faces of the young actors. That’s Charlie Hunnam from TV’s Sons of Anarchy. That’s Dakota Johnson from The Social Network. Get to know them very well, because next year their faces are going to be goddamn everywhere when the hype machine goes into overdrive for Fifty Shades of Grey.

These two actors have been cast as domineering ultra-mega-billion-zillionaire Christian Grey and his virginal overflow pipe Ana Steele. Apparently this casting is causing a big hoo-hah among the women of the world, who aren’t satisfied with Hunnam as Grey. This may not sound like much to you and me, but this is basically the menopausal version of Ben Affleck being Batman. A petition on Change.org is already past the 55,000 signature mark, demanding that the roles go to Matt Bomer (TV’s White Collar) and Alexis Bledel (no idea who that is, can’t be bothered to Google her right now). [Update: Hunnam just quit.] I’d like to take the opportunity today to stand on a soap box and tell you, the people of Planet Earth some harsh truths. It doesn’t matter who has or hasn’t cast in the Fifty Shades movie because it’s going to be awful no matter what.

For those of you who managed to miss – lucky you – the literary ‘phenomenon’ (a word that is rapidly losing meaning by the year) that was the Fifty Shades ‘trilogy’ (another word that’s lost meaning), then here’s a quick recap. Plucky young virgin Ana Steele gets a job working for mysterious, brooding Edward Cullen-alike Christian Grey. He makes her sign a sex contract. They have sex. He turns out to be a dominant and enjoys sexually torturing the inexperienced young woman. She heals his damaged heart. They fall in love, get married, and have several children. The end. This takes three books and over one thousand pages.

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5

I can hear you bleating away, there. ‘So why is this going to be awful?’ you ask. ‘Surely a book that approaches the difficult topics of S&M and raises awareness of men’s damaged hearts is deserving of some attention?’ A good point. But it’s wrong. Here are five reasons why the film is going to be every bit as bad as the book, if not worse.

(5) The book is composed entirely of author E.L. James’s fantasies.

Therefore, nothing that happens within the covers (if you’ll pardon the pun) bears any similarity with the real world. I did this thing once, it was a crazy, mad thing – it’s called research. Basically, I spent half an hour on Tumblr, looking at various people’s blogs and I read a lot of first-hand accounts of people who live the Dom/Sub lifestyle. You know what the craziest thing is? None of them bear any relation to Fifty Shades, not one. In fact, many of those blogs go out of their way to highlight how very, deeply wrong E.L. James got the subject matter. You’re not reading a book about child abuse and its effects on the male sexuality, you’re swotting up on a middle-aged woman’s fantasies that her husband will spank her with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail.

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  • Des said

    What a great article! You absolutely hit everything on the head (especially researching actual people in the BDSM lifestyle).

    BTW, it’s cool that you gave props to Literotica. One of the best sites to read (or submit) adult material. There are really some brilliant writers there if you take the time to find them.

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  • weissgirl said

    Hiring a good screen writer is the most important issue here if they want the movie to succeed.
    I read the books and no they weren’t entertaining to me but each person has their own test.
    Had the writer stuck with Christian still recovering from his childhood dramas and didn’t add the unnecessary twenty plus story lines it could have been a decent reads. With us following his quest of having a stable relationship.
    After reading chapter one and going into chapter two the description of Ana changed. She went from being; a copy of Bella; to wonder woman.
    I hope the film does well and the script proves worthy of movie goers money.

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  • lisa said

    I have read the whole trilogy, and I havr also read Twilight. As the article states, 50 shades is a very much like Twilight. Girl who thinks she is not pretty ends up with this super hot guy who tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Guy has a problem if self-loathing, girl tries to help. They break up, and they both hate each second they spend apart. Come back get married, everything is good, all of the sudden something goes wrong, gets fixed, they have children and they live happily ever after. Pretty basic.
    I must say I enjoyed the book, and I think it is not that bad, its good for when you are out of books. I read because I wanted to know whatbthe fuss was all about.It is very tedious to read, because of the many repetitive sex scenes, but you can just skip them. I am also eager for the movie to come out, not only because I enjoyed the book but because I realy want to see whathe hell are they going to show. If stick to the book, the movie might be considered porn.
    As for the castings, at first I was not overly excited, for either of the actors
    Right now I think that Charlie Hunnam is a good choicr, let’s just hope he delivers. The girl I don’t know about her, and I think she sucks (excuse the word choice) for the role.

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  • dum-dee-dum said

    wohoo..!! i read the trilogy because i got curious. boy oh boy..!! i only asked one question after reading all of it: why does it have book 2 & 3?!

    the character of Christian freaked me out. the ultimate stalker in the century. he was also a manipulator in every sense from physical (using sex) then using emotional blackmail. he was really f***ed up inside and out.i feel sorry for Ana in the years to come for i am perfectly sure she will be choked in that kind of relationship, then perhaps not because by that time it would become her comfort-zone.

    i am however appalled because some women i know of told me that the book was a make or break of relationships. they wanted their partners to perform what Christian did to Ana (which were well too boring for me, in the bdsm language).

    well as for the literary side, in my opinion: there’s not really in there. it was plain and it was there and it left you hallow and shallow. perhaps i already read some of marquis de sade’s works, “story of O”, “fanny”, erica jong, ann rice (beauty trilogy really bugged me until now) that i found e.l. jame’s works below so-so.

    well to end this: the author was perhaps tired of being a mother, career woman and a wife that she put her fantasies to writing. and no matter how i got angry with her writing style.. “I” bought the books and she bagged “my” money. haha!

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  • anna said

    u got the first thing wrong ..she doesn’t go work for him…and she never agrees to taking all kinds of physical pain..thats why the story is 3 books long…its a story where the guy gives up his “lifestyle” of gaining pleasure by dominating coz he falls for a not-submissive-at-all girl, to become an incredibly considerate, and loving guy…
    and for the record my favourite parts are not-sexual parts, the talks in-between etc…if they made a movie of all those parts only omitting all sex-scenes it wud still be a nice lovestory.

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  • Lucy said

    Hey 🙂 umm … nice article you have here… although I cannot agree on all parts(Mainly because I’m a Twihard and have been for many years. Now please don’t judge! I also love classics like Dickens, Shakespear, Austen and stuff) I totally agree wth you on one thing. I don’t get the hype around this story. It¨S porn but peope don’t call it that so they don’t feel bad about reading it. I myself haven’t read it. I swear I tried but felt like puking after the first few chapters because it was poorly written and there are many fanfics out there that are way better than this and the authors are bettter too. All in all I think this book is simply crap… And god the movie will suck… I mean how do you wanna shoot porn without sex?

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  • cmyagent said

    I’m sorry but the book seems a little virginal. I found reading a poor second to a role in the hay.

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  • halifax said

    i have been reading the books, from twilight to 50 shades of grey.
    i have seen the movies twilight, but i will not go and spend money to see the movie 50shades.
    i don’t think that there are that bad, with twilight, ofcourse the books are better, but isn’t that for the most of movie’s where you’ve read the book first? thinking about the Stephen King stories. Because no matter what book you read, you imagine things in your head, i mean i do, i have a feeling about a character.
    Those books are light, and nice to read when you don’t feel like thinking to much, easy to read, when you read a Stephen King novel you have to follow, if you don’t you can go back a few pages 🙂

    But 50shades, yes some people enjoy it, because it is a ‘women’ book, like most chicklits. However i do find sad that they to bring out books like ’50shades try at home package’ if you know what i mean 🙂 Also a lot of writes now, just want to go on the succes and write ‘better then 50shades’ but it’s just the same old, same old. i got a book from a friend to read ‘my man’ well i was just like 50shades… oh i want him,does he want me, he doesn’t want me… grr

    but for the movie no, because they have been talking about this movie too long now!!
    first it will be those actors, then other, oh wrong again!
    what? almost 2years talking about it? just make the m*****f*** movie 🙂 and for the sex…
    ofcourse we won’t see anything thing! unless they bring it out as a porn movie 🙂

    so conclusion? do what you want, want to read the book, do, don’t want to, don’t. and same for the movie! simpel 😉

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  • Katara said

    I’m reading the book currently (free online, thankfully didn’t pay for the darned thing!) and it is absolutely horrendous in how it is written and how certain things are described. I figured I’d read it so I could have a fair opinion of what all the hype was about. Sure, their sexual excursions are fun in theory, but really, has the author never heard of a refractory period, and has she ever picked up a thesaurus to find new words to use? I think there’s a romp or two where Christian finishes like 3 times within the span of an hour. What??! I could only DREAM my boyfriend could do that, and that’s part of what is wrong with this; the realism is lacking. Also, the problem with the same words and phrases being used over and over again is mind-numbingly exhausting! Ana always refers to her lady bits as “down there” or “deep below”, or (my personal pet peeve) she refers to it as “my sex”. HATE IT! There are also countless ways to describe different feelings and orgasms and things, yet whenever Christian finishes, it’s said that he “finds his release”. The rest of the book is filler material involving lots of flushing, blushing, gasping, clamboring, peeking up, and other boring things. I’m sticking it through to the end to see the rest of what happens, but really…it reads like a 16 y/o virgin’s fantasy. Get real.

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  • kelly:) said

    LoL! I loved the books. Because they’d were something different in my “same thing everyday” life!! I have to admit.. I was on the Matt Bomer team.. he’s delicious! But, he was never going to do this… he was unexcited for his role in magic Mike, let alone a film like this… (not that I expect it to be as colorful as the book) which is kinda disappointing! Not really excited for the movies. I agree, they won’t be great.. Movies are never as good as the books. I do have a few friends that are just going absolutely stupid crazy over this film, counting down the days til opening and whatnot… that’s entertainment enough for me! But I LOVE your article!!! If YOUR books are as entertaining as this rant… I’m sold:)

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  • keisha said

    I just read your article, and I have to admit that I agree with you. I have read all 3 books, and while I enjoyed them, I don’t think a movie should be made, and I really don’t care about who will or will not act in said movie.

    I will say that without alllll the sex, the story would have fit into one novel, and said story would not have been very interesting. Fifty shades encourages women to believe that men will change their base natures for them, if they stick it out, have lots of sex, and love their guys enough. In short it’s a true fantasy, an enjoyable fantasy, but a fantasy non-the-less. I myself really enjoyed the various sex scenes written in books 2 and 3.

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  • Chels said

    The only thing about this article that rubbed me the wrong way is that you compared Harry Potter to the garbage about which you are writing. I would say the fandom around Harry Potter is very similar to that which surrounds superheros or Jane Austen novels. However, besides the Harry Potter thing, I agree with mostly everything you said, although I did get the asshole-y vibe from you. Not that I’m calling you an asshole, but some sentences do make you sound like one (re: Alexis Bledel).

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  • CharlieCane said

    Adam… I salute you buddy

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  • ara said

    Hey! 😀

    really enjoyed the well written article. i haven’t read the book, and know nothing about the cast here. my books are mostly classic children adventures like the famous five or Jennings series, or detective like Poirot and of course legal themed novel from Grisham and Martin. so this book never enters my wish list.

    some of my (female) friends defend it for being an ‘erotica’ instead of ‘porn’ (which is imo actually the more appropriate term, based on the content description), when i confront them about how inappropriate it is for ladies to read such theme. but then again, i know i was wrong. i mean, nobody judge me as a person who’s having a bad childhood just because i love reading Jennings (i’m almost 30 y.o, btw), so why should i judge Shades readers based on the material ? that’s why i try to keep an open mind about opinions of this book – if i found any – and your article really is an entertaining and fun opinion to read!

    And i’m thanking you for that.

    thank you!

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  • Angie said

    I read this article and while I do not agree with everything in it, I did find it quite entertaining.

    I am an avid reader myself and have read quite widely. I do agree that 50 Shades is not the best piece of literary fiction I have read but I actually did enjoy it for the following reasons:

    1. I like reading trashy sex novels and 50 Shades delivers there. Page after page, as those of us who read it will know, is filled with orgasmic sex scenes. Having read hundreds of romantic porn (and that is what this is) I think 50 Shades is comparable and better than many – for the porn scenes. Let’s not kid ourselves 50 Shades is about porn. And porn sells.

    2. 50 Shades brings sex and more importantly, female sexuality to the forefront and that’s a good thing. Women are daring to actually go out, buy those toys and hopefully use them. Female sexuality has been blanketed for so long that it was only a matter of time before a ’50 Shades phenomenon’ (to use that expression) came along and hijacked it. 50 Shades highlights that women, just like men, can and do have lustful, insatiable sexual cravings. While the basis of their sexual expeditions is Christian’s vice, there is no mistaking that Ana enjoys herself – every time. Which woman doesn’t want that?

    3. 50 Shades is pop-culture at its best. Boy meets girl. Girl falls for boy. Boy is filthy rich but flawed. Girl is virginal and prime for the picking. Boy falls for girl. They can’t get enough of each other. Girl marries boy. They live happily aver after. It is the quintessential fantasy.

    I do agree that, in the end, it will not matter much who gets the part because the people who liked the book will still go to see the movie – including myself. But, the movie is destined to disappoint because all the racy porn that 50 Shades is known for will be cut. I’ll go watch the movie because it will be an event for my ‘pop-culture loving’ girlfriends and I where we can rehash the book and talk about how it compares to the movie while having an ice cold beer.

    Not all virgins are gullible and not all experienced women are sensible. 50 shades is no more likely to corrupt people’s brains than any other piece of pop-culture fiction. To think that 50 Shades will be a bad influence on the female sex, is to assume that the ideas behind the book never existed before the book. I think 50 Shades has been this popular because its content has been in women’s minds all along but kept silent because of societal norms.

    Some may say that 50 Shades is full of negative stereotyping that reinforces oppressive gender inequalities. Maybe it does. But the book still remains a key discussion point – as your article proves – that will be viewed as a key turning point in pop-culture fiction (for women especially) for a long time to come.

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