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5 Reasons The ‘Fifty Shades’ Movie Will Be Awful

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5
Take a look at the photos above. Study the faces of the young actors. That’s Charlie Hunnam from TV’s Sons of Anarchy. That’s Dakota Johnson from The Social Network. Get to know them very well, because next year their faces are going to be goddamn everywhere when the hype machine goes into overdrive for Fifty Shades of Grey.

These two actors have been cast as domineering ultra-mega-billion-zillionaire Christian Grey and his virginal overflow pipe Ana Steele. Apparently this casting is causing a big hoo-hah among the women of the world, who aren’t satisfied with Hunnam as Grey. This may not sound like much to you and me, but this is basically the menopausal version of Ben Affleck being Batman. A petition on Change.org is already past the 55,000 signature mark, demanding that the roles go to Matt Bomer (TV’s White Collar) and Alexis Bledel (no idea who that is, can’t be bothered to Google her right now). [Update: Hunnam just quit.] I’d like to take the opportunity today to stand on a soap box and tell you, the people of Planet Earth some harsh truths. It doesn’t matter who has or hasn’t cast in the Fifty Shades movie because it’s going to be awful no matter what.

For those of you who managed to miss – lucky you – the literary ‘phenomenon’ (a word that is rapidly losing meaning by the year) that was the Fifty Shades ‘trilogy’ (another word that’s lost meaning), then here’s a quick recap. Plucky young virgin Ana Steele gets a job working for mysterious, brooding Edward Cullen-alike Christian Grey. He makes her sign a sex contract. They have sex. He turns out to be a dominant and enjoys sexually torturing the inexperienced young woman. She heals his damaged heart. They fall in love, get married, and have several children. The end. This takes three books and over one thousand pages.

Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Top 5

I can hear you bleating away, there. ‘So why is this going to be awful?’ you ask. ‘Surely a book that approaches the difficult topics of S&M and raises awareness of men’s damaged hearts is deserving of some attention?’ A good point. But it’s wrong. Here are five reasons why the film is going to be every bit as bad as the book, if not worse.

(5) The book is composed entirely of author E.L. James’s fantasies.

Therefore, nothing that happens within the covers (if you’ll pardon the pun) bears any similarity with the real world. I did this thing once, it was a crazy, mad thing – it’s called research. Basically, I spent half an hour on Tumblr, looking at various people’s blogs and I read a lot of first-hand accounts of people who live the Dom/Sub lifestyle. You know what the craziest thing is? None of them bear any relation to Fifty Shades, not one. In fact, many of those blogs go out of their way to highlight how very, deeply wrong E.L. James got the subject matter. You’re not reading a book about child abuse and its effects on the male sexuality, you’re swotting up on a middle-aged woman’s fantasies that her husband will spank her with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail.

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  • marie said

    i actually read the 50 shades books. im almost finished with the last one.. I liked the books but as for a movie,i would think it would be nothing but sex and not much of anything else.they should have just left it a book.i wouldn’t pay money to see the movie.

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  • Eve said

    I give you one reason, movie version of books are most of the time less quality, this is the sh*tiest book i have ever read. i couldn’t even finish it. i had to google the summary of the book to see the end. Anything based on that bad story will be awful

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  • duh said

    actually everyone who leave a comment about the book or the movie are a moron, first why r u f**king care about the movie if u already know the storyline is suck. second why u even bother read the book if u know it’s gonna be suck. third the one who leave a comment or even do a review has nothing to do than do critics to others work, not everyone could make a book worth to be read, and this book is being published which mean it’s worth to being published and it makes a lot of money and they even make the movie of it. so all of u don’t need to talk like this book really bad, because u guys still read the book.

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    • 50 Shades Sucks Donkey said

      Just because the book was published doesn’t mean it was WORTH publishing. LOTS of books that suck get published—and this is the epitome of that.

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  • Jubugg said

    Personally I haven’t read the book and don’t care to. And I am an avid reader. I think that it shouldn’t matter wether it is well written, to much or not enough sex, etc. Its a book. It was written for people to read it. Its not a guide to happiness or to the true meaning of life. Its for entertainment purposes. Everyone has their opinions, likes, dislikes and preferences. It wasn’t written to please everyone. So let the book be. You have the right to not like it and blog about it. And others have a right to like it. It all boils down to opinion and expectations of reading. Book reviews and movie reviews rank right up there with religion and politics. Its all interpretation and opinion.

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  • KartofflMuter said

    Seeing the 2 that are cast ( and I haven’t read the book-but-I’m qualified to cast a vote) those 2 aren’t sexy. NO NOT NEVER. She looks like she could run a bakery-if you mention that she ate all the leftovers. He looks like one more snotty blonde. Matt Boehm-Evil slowly turned into husband material? Oh -yes. I get it. Strong.Tall .Dark. Chiseled. His smile is a gift and not something given without begging. White Collar. He always lies. And we know he’s gay.Of course every woman in America wants him. And the name you can’t be bothered to Google? Gilmore Girls? The girl? A waif-maybe? Dark hair is simply much more attractive and mysterious than blonde. I have never in my life been attracted to a blonde.

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  • Cindy said

    Ok one thing is bugging me about this article…you have actually read 50 Shades, right? I mean you list a bunch of things you hate about it, but then you also say she’s an American living in England, which isn’t true at all. Not only does the book take place in Seattle, but they are constantly constantly talking about how they’re in Seattle. Like really hitting you over the head with it! We get it!! EL James likes Seattle!! So it feels like a weird mistake for you to make. Tell me you did read it before you said all these things about it.

    I loved your point about how awful it would be for Pattinson to have to do another long-ass awful romance trilogy.

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    • 50 Shades Sucks Donkey said

      E.L. James likes Seattle? The idiot author knows NOTHING about Seattle & it shows. She’s British, and she’s geographically retarded where it comes to the U.S. and its locations. In one painfully OBVIOUS blunder, she makes some remark about the characters “entering U.S. airspace” in a helicopter, when the place they were coming FROM was ALSO in U.S. airspace–i.e. they never LEFT U.S. airspace. Makes it blatantly clear she did no research on Seattle or anything else about the U.S.

      Her phraseology is all off and she constantly uses British phrases that NO one in this country recognizes as vaguely American. I actually know someone who’s British who says that even some of her British colloquialisms aren’t used by the British any more–except possibly by a random teenager (which makes sense, since she doesn’t even write on a teenage level). Everything about her writing sucks. And yeah, thank God Pattinson didn’t get stuck in this embarrassment of a movie.

      She’s a sloppy, lazy writer who was SUPER lucky that a LOT of bored soccer mommies got all hot and bothered over this trash. Only reason I TRIED to read it was that my friend was reading it, and she warned me NOT to read it since I’m a writer and she knew that I’d HATE how poorly it was written. I should have taken her advice, because it took me 3 months to get through the first book—and I even had to skim through a lot of THAT. I didn’t bother wasting time on the other two.

      It was boring and the sex scenes were lame at best–the whole tampon scene wasn’t sexy—just gross. There’s better erotica on the internet written by teens who are into fanfic. These “novels”—and I use the term REAL loosely–are pathetic. It’s nauseating that she’s made obscene amounts of money on such drivel, especially the fact that some morons decided to make it into a movie.

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      • Cindy said

        yeah, I dunno. I have mixed feelings on it. I do really, really hate the narration. I hate how she’s always saying “Holy crap” (so crass) and “Ever-so-whatever” etc. The writing is by a retarded person. I will definitely give you that. But I do kind of like the story, which involves the idea of sticking by someone who has major issues and helping them to grow, instead of just saying “you’re screwed up, I’m going to stay away from you.” Plus there was give and take. She wasn’t simply a slave. She said to him, “I’ll do these things if you do something for me. Consider having a real relationship with me.”

        Anyway, that’s my two cents. I have no idea why no one cared about the geographical nonsense when it was published. That is just depressing.

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  • 50 Shades Sucks Donkey said

    You forgot the fact that the fat sow who wrote this turd blatantly ripped off “Twilight” in her first “draft”, i.e. in some lame-ass fan fiction she put online for free, except she changed the names from Edward & Bella to Christian and Anastasia–gag. Please, someone grab a barf bag for me… She writes like a 3rd grader and her “porn” is boring. There’s better fanfic erotica online for free written by 15-year olds. This movie will tank like the real Titanic, no matter WHO’S in it.

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  • Olivia said

    Haha christian4ever tattoo that made me laugh I agree the books were very dull through most of the book was about sex and seemed very unoriginal it is amazing how this crap managed to get printed let alone get turned into a f**king movie.

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  • Baelfire said

    I read the first Fifty Shades Of Grey book – and just spent five minutes glaring over at my bookshelf because it’s still on there taking up valuable space that could be occupied by better literary works but I digress – and this article simply made my day that much better.

    I refuse point-blank to read the second or the third novel, because I knew from the moment Christian and Anna met, they were going to bang, get together, break up, cue mopey scenes, then they’d get married and have kids and live happily ever after. Everything about the beginning of their ‘courtship’ was stereotypical.

    As for the content itself, I was appalled. I recently saw a post on Facebook saying FSOG should be retitled to Fifty Shades Of Abuse. Because that’s what it is; abuse. With Anna being a virgin, any sensible Dom would have given her time to adjust to the situation of being in a sexual relationship and not have thrown her directly into the kind of relationship that Christian did.

    E.L. James didn’t do her research into the BDSM lifestyle before throwing together this poorly done FanFiction, and quite frankly I think she should be ashamed of the works.

    Fun Fact for you, I heard from several people that E.L. James hosted the FanFiction on a website which asked her to remove it from their site for the simple reason they saw it as ‘Too Graphic’ for the target audience of their site? Turns out that was a lie; the Creators of the Website requested she take it down because they thought it was a crock of s**t, poorly written and not worth the time it took for people to read it.

    Anyway, probably going off topic there. But my point remains that FSOG basically makes a mockery of the BDSM lifestyle. If you want to become educated in BDSM but you’re too prudish/too shy/other to actually experience it first hand, why not do what every other normal person does and go on google to do some research? Don’t give into the temptation of reading FSOG, because it’ll give you nothing more than a jaded and completely inaccurate portrayal of a lifestyle enjoyed by millions of people worldwide.

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  • Mandy said

    If you want to read something that absolutely BLOWS Fifty Shades of Grey out of the water than read Anne Rice’s Beauty Trilogy. NOW THOSE are S&M books with a great story!! I read all the Fifty Shades of Grey books and how I explained it to my friends, funny enough, was that it resembled Twilight but without the Vampires.

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  • kushal Dev Sharma said

    I think it’ll be boring.

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  • Marie said

    I find it quite rude that you can’t be bothered to google who Alexis Bledel is… her biggest success may have been Gilmore girls but she aslo has been in a few good movies. Do your homework before you write your articles because after that sentence, I couldn’t be bothered to read the rest.

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