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10 Movies With Worse Weather Than The Polar Vortex‏

8. The Time Machine

Worst Weather In Movies
Remember this movie? In 1899, the Guy (see what I did there?) from Memento has a Batman-style loss-of-a-loved-one, builds a gyroscope that can travel through time and meets Samantha Mumba in the future.

Before that, he goes to 2030 in order to be disappointed by an unhelpful help-hologram in a library, as if libraries will exist in 2030. In 2037, however, he arrives in the middle of a mass-evacuation of a city: Moon colonists conducting a demolition of their base have caused irreparable damage to the Moon. This information is delivered by two policemen who (A) are totally unfazed by the giant outlandish machine he arrived in and (B) leave him alone as soon as they have delivered the necessary plot point, which only goes to show that policemen in 2037 will be way cooler than they are now. He runs back to his time machine and gets conked on the head just as he flips the switch to go further into the future. As he sits unconscious in the machine, we see what happens to the planet between 2037 and 802,701. It involves the Earth becoming an uninhabitable hellscape, then a pretty nice nature reserve and finally a re-wilded tropical paradise. Our time traveler is lucky enough to wake up at exactly the point when the planet has become fun again, apart from the evil cannibals chasing Samantha Mumba through the jungle.

H.G. Wells, who wrote the original novel The Time Machine, is highly regarded as having predicted or suggested a whole host of things about the future, including machine warfare and the UN. So what about 2037 being a terrible year for the planet? Well, he got that one totally wrong! Apparently, the comet will hit us on April 13, 2036 (maybe).

So for weather worse than the polar vortex, I submit The Time Machine‘s shattered moon followed by 800,000 years of fiery doom and finally, regeneration. Although, for clarity, the regeneration bit is a good thing.

Weather Forecast: Everything sucks for about 800,000 years.


7. Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

Worst Weather In Movies
How would you like hamburgers splattered all over your roof, or driving to work through three feet of spaghetti? What if the next day that was covered with a layer of sticky ice cream? Considering how long it takes to clear something as simple as snow, one can only imagine the decomposing mess. Boom time for rats.

Confession time: I’d never watched this until I started writing the article. What I soon realised was that I had actually read the book when I was a kid. I think a lot of us have. The message sure has changed: in the book, the townspeople who get all their food from the sky have to leave when things get out of control and they end up getting their food the old-fashioned way in their new, no-food-from-the-sky home. The underlying message is that utopia has its own problems and just getting on with things au naturel is ultimately better for you.

The Sony movie makes it an economic situation in the town, the citizens of Swallow Falls are stuck eating sardines and denied the joys of processed food like cheeseburgers. Until an enthusiastic scientist whose misuse of technology has delicious results steps in to solve the problem. Message: science is awesome even when it creates freakishly mutated foodstuffs. After everything inevitably gets out of hand, because of the greed of the local politician, it’s up to science again to solve the problem, created by science in the first place. Remember what I said about most of these weather-related disasters being man-made?

My favourite bit of food weather is when the school gets crushed by a giant pancake and then drowns in maple syrup. That would be even better than a snow day. The climactic escape in which the townspeople try to outrun a burst dam of leftovers is pretty choice as well.

Weather Forecast: Foodpocalypse!

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5 Comments »

  • dnwilliams said

    Good list! I’d add GROUNDHOG DAY – any weather that has you stuck in a small town reliving the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over has to count as bad.

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    • Eli Haven said

      Believe me, it was on my long list, but I had to go with bigger, more central weather events that also can be classed as abnormal. A blizzard in February wasn’t out-of-the-ordinary enough, even though Groundhog Day is a movie I watch again and again and again and again and again and you get my drift.

      If you can, get hold of Danny Rubin’s original screenplay for it. It’s way darker, with a lot more violence and psychosis. He wrote a book about making it into a family comedy – https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-To-Write-Groundhog-Day-ebook/dp/B0072PEV6U

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      • dnwilliams said

        Sweet! We were just discussing reccomended screenplays in the forum, I’ll have to check that out at some point.

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  • Sheridan Passell said
    Sheridan Passell

    Hard Rain looks like it was utterly miserable to make.

    Morpheus would make a great weatherman. “What if I told you snow was coming?”

    I just checked Absolute Zero’s Rotten Tomatoes score. Guess what. Absolute zero.

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  • drmoose said

    blade runner

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