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10 Movies With Worse Weather Than The Polar Vortex‏

4. Hard Rain

There’s nothing I can write about this film that can’t be summed up more eloquently (and hilariously) by the trailer, and by everyone’s favourite voiceover artist, Trailer Guy.

Christian Slater is our blue-collar everyman caught up in a heist during a torrential downpour and accompanying flood of biblical proportions – in case you didn’t get that this was biblical, check out the quote from the Bible that kicks off the trailer. If there’s one thing I miss about movies from the nineties, it’s their subtle understatement of the plot’s import.

Randy Quaid goes all Randy Quaid, and Morgan Freeman struts around like the badass that he always is, but really, the star of this movie is the water. It’s in every scene and they keep finding new ways of using it to dramatic effect. Who wants to chase our hero through a school on foot when you can use jet-skis? Why have a regular shoot-out in a church like every other loser when it can be a flooded church?

But most importantly, how many women around the world swooned at the sight of Christian Slater sucking on a Maglite for dear life?

Weather Forecast: Water from the sky. Christian Slater’s career all washed out.

3. Absolute Zero

Okay, strap yourself in. We’re heading to new heights of high-concept with this one.

The Lawnmower Man is a climatologist who discovers that Earth’s previous ice ages may have been caused by polar shifts (this is not a totally spurious theory – for some interesting research on it, check out The Atlantis Blueprint by Colin Wilson (RIP) and Rand Flem’Ath).

What this means (prepare to turn away into a narrow sliver of light, bite your fist and say “Oh my God”) is that an ice age could take hold of the Earth within a day or even a matter of hours. Ever wondered what would happen if Florida’s famous sunshine suddenly turned into ABSOLUTE ZERO? No? Well, the makers of this film did.

Seriously, there’s nothing more to add. Jeff Fahey manfully trots to Antarctica and back to discover obscure facts about human pre-history that support his hypothesis just in time for disaster to strike. When it does, the world’s climate is changed completely and parts of North America succumb to temperatures in the range of, you guessed it, absolute zero.

Luckily, there’s a weatherproof room at the lab where The Lawnmower Man works, and he manages to get there in time where he rides out the disaster along with the always gorgeous Erika Eleniak. Repopulating the planet can be fun after all! Mankind survives because what world would be worth rebuilding that didn’t have the doubly-piercing blue eyes of Eleniak-Fahey hybrids?

The whole film is up on YouTube, for now, and although I’m not suggesting that you should watch it there for free, if you do:

0:00:00 – 0:07:00 are about as hilarious as disaster cinema gets. Watch out especially for the repetition of the name of the film.

0:20:12 (intentional reference to mooted disaster year 2012?) is when two scientists get blown away by a frosty twister.

0:42:15 – 0:44:35 for a series of amazing reaction shots as the group of researchers working on the problem see the results of their computer model, followed by the obligatory scene where a group of politicians and managerial douchebags ignore the warning, in which Jeff Fahey repeats the plot and title of the film with astounding conviction before literally pounding the table and shouting “Nothing will survive! NOTHING!” – then he even says “I hope to God we’re wrong.” Disaster movie gold.

0:47:13 Weather in Florida begins to turn. If only those damned politicians and douchebags had listened to Jeff Fahey!

1:22:40 – 1:23:35 A newsreader conveniently sums up the entire doings of the movie in a way that saves the producers having to spend money on showing it to us. Sublime.

Weather Forecast: Absolute zero!

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  • dnwilliams said

    Good list! I’d add GROUNDHOG DAY – any weather that has you stuck in a small town reliving the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over has to count as bad.

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    • Eli Haven said

      Believe me, it was on my long list, but I had to go with bigger, more central weather events that also can be classed as abnormal. A blizzard in February wasn’t out-of-the-ordinary enough, even though Groundhog Day is a movie I watch again and again and again and again and again and you get my drift.

      If you can, get hold of Danny Rubin’s original screenplay for it. It’s way darker, with a lot more violence and psychosis. He wrote a book about making it into a family comedy – https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-To-Write-Groundhog-Day-ebook/dp/B0072PEV6U

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      • dnwilliams said

        Sweet! We were just discussing reccomended screenplays in the forum, I’ll have to check that out at some point.

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  • Sheridan Passell said
    Sheridan Passell

    Hard Rain looks like it was utterly miserable to make.

    Morpheus would make a great weatherman. “What if I told you snow was coming?”

    I just checked Absolute Zero’s Rotten Tomatoes score. Guess what. Absolute zero.

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  • drmoose said

    blade runner

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