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Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael: Round #1

Freddy vs Jason vs Michael movie showdownFor the next 8 days, leading up to the release of the Friday The 13th remake, there’s going to be a Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael movie showdown.

I haven’t seen the originals since I was a kid and I’ve never bothered with the sequels, so it’s time to hit up Blockbuster and finally figure out who is the reigning king of horror, round by round.

Round #1
Friday The 13th – A Nightmare On Elm Street – Halloween

THE LOSER: FRIDAY THE 13th

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Ok, I know that in round one we don’t even really deal with Jason – and I have to admit, his one appearance in the original film is very scary … hell, it was the only time I even CARED out of the whole 90 minutes – but still, ANY villain that sends his mom to do his dirty work is a complete tool. This film is fodder for MST3K for sure, and even though I really loved it, thought it was a total silly blast, it has to be the least scary movie ever made. The image of Mrs. Voorhees struggled to walk upright in ankle-deep sand still makes me smile. This franchise is ten films long (ten and a half if you count Freddy vs. Jason) and that stands for something. But I better see a hockey mask soon or there’s going to be an early disqualification.

Scariest Moment: Jason’s cameo.
Worst Moment: The strip Monopoly game gets interrupted.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: “You’re all doomed! Dooooooooomed!”

THE RUNNER UP: HALLOWEEN

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Now, I have to give props to Michael for being the slasher entrepreneur. He was the first with a mask, the first to be supernatural, the first to leer at half-naked girls. But still – does he have to wait SO LONG to make a kill? He never even does anything scary until halfway through the movie! Loomis talks him up like he’s Satan, but I had to take his word for it until FINALLY he plugged that kid like the crowning jewel in a moth collection. Jamie Lee Curtis’s performance carries this film through the first half, and when it finally gets going Michael really seems like a badass … I just wish the kids he killed didn’t die with bug-eyed cheesiness. But then, in the end, he’s stopped TWICE but a high school girl armed with a sowing needle and a clothes hangar. And while the symbolism isn’t lost on me, I still wish my villain could find the strength to swiftly kick in a breakaway closet door.

Scariest Moment: After he pins the boy to the wall and stares at him, cocking his head from side to side.
Worst Moment: Showing his face.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: Donald Pleasance’s strangely derogatory accent when he yells, “get off ma damn porch!”

THE WINNER: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

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Easily the most sadistic and creepy of the first round. He doesn’t have the swiftness of Mrs. Voorhees or the brute strength of Michael Myers, but damn if he isn’t a slinking, devious, gollum-esque pedo-monster. I had forgotten how quickly this film sets up his character (making the glove) and delves into the twisted dream motif (stretchy arms anyone?). Despite some clunky dialog and a few weak performances, this film holds up the best today, and Freddy honestly scared the CRAP out of me.

Scariest Moment: Tina’s ceiling death scene.
Worst Moment: The Home Alone sequence.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: The slapstick sledge hammer in the stomach gag.

SUMMARY
While all films were fun, only Nightmare was consistently scary – but Jason has the most potential for a last minute win.

CURRENT SCORE
Freddy – 1
Jason – 0
Michael – 0

The Fight Continues:
Round #2: Friday The 13th Part 2 -vs- Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge -vs- Halloween II
Round #3: Friday The 13th 3D -vs- Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors -vs- Halloween III
Round #4: Friday The 13th Part 4 -vs- Elm Street 4: Dream Master -vs- Halloween 4
Round #5: Friday V: A New Beginning -vs- Elm Street 5: Dream Child -vs- Halloween 5
Round #6: Friday VI: Jason Lives -vs- Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare -vs- Halloween 6
Round #7: Friday VII: The New Blood -vs- New Nightmare -vs- H20
Round #8: Jason Takes Manhattan -vs- Halloween: Resurrection
Round #9: Jason Goes to Hell & Jason X

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