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Top 5 Worst Movies Of 2015

Top 5 Worst Movies Of 2015
Normally I’d actively avoid movies with a reputation as one of Satan’s bile burps, but sometimes the responsibilities of Movie-Moron back me into a corner. Other times I’m blindsided out of nowhere, caught unawares with my cinematic pants down. These are the Top 5 Worst Movies of 2015 that I witnessed with my own eyes.


Honourable Mention – PIXELS


I had a happy childhood in the ’80s arcades and watching this was like seeing a lazy millionaire travel half-heartedly back in time to kick my joyful memories in the balls.

Plot: When footage of arcade games is sent into space in the 1980s as part of a cultural package for prospective alien life, aliens find it and misinterpret it as a challenge. They subsequently attack Earth using the physical form of retro game characters (including Pac-Man, Centipede and Donkey Kong) and it’s up to a few 80’s kid champions, now middle aged, to step up and win each round using the same patterns they remember. Leading them is the championship’s runner up (Adam Sandler), the cheater who beat him (Peter Dinklage), a conspiracy-obsessed man who shouts (Josh Gad), and the U.S. President (Kevin James, naturally).

Let’s be fair, overall the visual fx do a great job, and the action is well filmed. But everyone else should be ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. The script (which really honestly must have been written in a weekend) is lame, unfunny and shockingly basic. Sandler doesn’t get a laugh the entire movie, and all the relationships are remedial. What makes it worse than the usual Sandler idiocracy is they bought this concept from an excellent French short film, thereby preventing any other creative team from getting their hands on it. And somehow this was directed by the man who helmed ‘Home Alone’ and ‘Harry Potter’.


5th – MORTDECAI


In the Bible, Mortdecai gave advice to the Jews on how to save themselves from destruction. I have some advice to pass on, regarding how to avoid the destruction of 2 hours of your life.

Debonair art dealer and part-time rogue :/ Charles Mortdecai (Johnny Depp) searched for a stolen painting rumoured to contain the code to a bank account filled with Nazi gold. Juggling some angry Russians, MI5, his impossibly leggy wife, and an international terrorist, he had to traverse the globe armed only with his good looks and special charm :/ in a race to recover the prize.

This cringeworthy comedic caper noir was loosely based on ‘The Great Mortdecai Moustache Mystery’, the fourth installment in the Mortdecai series which found popularity in the 70’s. Depp clearly wanted to have lots of fun in the eccentric role (again), there was a good cast around him (although NOT for a knockabout comedy), and director David Koepp had previously directed four very solid films in a row. However… the result was horribly misjudged, dreadfully unfunny, and couldn’t even keep basic exposition from becoming baffling. Depp (doing a tiresome Terry Thomas impression) should never have been allowed to play the character.


4th – POLTERGEIST


I certainly felt a cold chill watching this and some unknown force was trying to lift my ass off the seat and carry me out the door.

A family move into a foreclosed house without realising supernatural forces are present. When their youngest is abducted into the spectral realm, they had to work with paranormal investigators to try and rescue her.

Sam Raimi did a solid job producing the ‘Evil Dead’ remake, but this was a huge disappointment. Even though it was a remake, with events playing out almost identically, for some reason they changed the family name and the most iconic character – Carol Anne – with her distinctive white-blonde hair, was replaced by a generic kid. Meanwhile the son was given a lot more acting duties than the original, but was so wooden he couldn’t carry it. The great love, and naturalistic acting, that the original family displayed was gone too, with Rockwell’s dad and the teenage daughter being particularly unlikeable. And rather than find an interesting character actor/physical type to replace Tangina the psychic, they go with a generic ghost-buster from TV (just like ‘Fright Night’). Strip out the distinctive Jerry Goldsmith score and make every scene 50% less intelligent and you have a film which really was pointle$$.


3rd – A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT


The Emperor has no goddamn clothes.

In an invented Iranian town, where a pile of bodies lie untouched in a ditch, a vampire walked the streets at night looking for sinners to feed on. A local man, caring for his drug addicted father, encountered her while searching for the dealer who took his car. The two began a cautious romance.

This was a Persian-language film filmed in LA rather than Iran (what a cop out), and it came with enormous critical praise. Sure the black and white photography was impactful for the first 10 minutes, but the story got slower and slower until the we’re-too-hip-to-have-an-ending. This celebration of sluggishness took 30 minutes of unremarkable plot and stretched it out to 100 minutes by style (and have you seen a modern made film shot in black and white with long shadows that doesn’t look good? It’s not that hard). The lead actress had a face that exuded nothing except boring, and all the actors got upstaged by a very ordinary cat. If you have a high level of arthouse pretentiousness you might find this wonderful but don’t believe the hype.


2nd – THE DIABOLICAL


The sort of title that’s a critic’s dream.

When a single mother (Ali Larter, ‘Final Destination’) and her two young children were tormented by an increasingly strange and intense presence in their quiet suburban home, she turned to her scientist boyfriend to take on the violent forces that paranormal experts were too frightened to face.

The central idea of what these ‘ghosts’ are, was a pretty creepy one (which I guess I won’t spoil… oh sod it – they’re prisoners being sent back in a time travel experiment). The problem was the rest of the movie was woefully underdeveloped. Screentime was completely dominated by the mom and her two kids who were less interesting than my cat’s diamond-shaped butthole. There’s a smorgasbord of glaring plot holes and illogical questions. And when the mother travelled to the future :/ to the source of the apparitions, what they come up with was frankly, pathetic.


1st – UNFINISHED BUSINESS


A hard-working small business owner (Vince Vaughn, not working hard) and his two idiotic associates (Tom Wilkinson, Dave Franco) travelled to Germany to close the most important deal of their lives. But what began as a routine business trip went off the rails in every way, including stopping at a massive sex fetish event (where they encountered Nick Frost, who seems to say yes to any Hollywood production that asks him) and a protest outside a global economic summit…

‘Unfinished Business’ was a disaster. Actually Vaughn’s worst ever film, and that’s saying something when you have ‘The Watch’, ‘Lay the Favourite’, ‘The Dilemma’, ‘Couples Retreat’, ‘Four Christmases’ and ‘Fred Claus’ (holy hell that’s a run of sh*t) on your CV. Nothing worked, from the drab and uninvolving plot around a business deal that’s impossible to really comprehend, to every single joke falling like a lead balloon and the supposedly emotional subplots doing nothing but boring (not helped by the school-play level performance from Vaughn’s on-screen son – some nepotism involved there somewhere). The biggest offender was Dave Franco who was excruciatingly bad as Vaughn’s assistant with special needs. If you’re tempted please go and watch/re-watch TV’s ‘The Office’ instead.

And so there you have it. What were the worst movies of 2015 that you encountered?

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5 Comments »

  • gd smith said

    no particular order,
    Jupiter Ascending
    Taken 3
    The Loft
    Scout’s guide to Zombies
    Old Fashioned
    Entourage.

    There’s a bunch of others, but they are the ones that spring to mind.

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    • Sheridan Passell said
      Sheridan Passell

      Pretty sure Jupiter Ascending would have made my list if I’d seen it. I thought The Loft started ok but was eventually sunk by just how unlikeable everyone was. Entourage I didn’t mind, it was a bit of a congratulatory slap on the back and the only thing at stake was whether they would be rich or super-rich, but what particularly irked you about it?

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  • gd smith said

    Entourage just had horrible characters and wasn’t funny. Plus off the top my head these were the movies that I could remember disliking.

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  • dnwilliams said

    I didn’t see a bunch of terrible stuff. I’d say the weakest 2015 releases for me would be High-Rise, The Falling, Kill Your Friends, and London Fields. The Falling I saw last year at LFF and London Fields I saw this year at TIFF and it was originally slated for 2015…

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