Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael: Round #38.02.09 # Top Ten # 3 Comments
For the 8 days leading up to the release of the Friday The 13th remake, there’s a Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael movie showdown.
I haven’t seen the originals since I was a kid and I’ve never bothered with the sequels, so it’s time to hit up Blockbuster and finally figure out who is the reigning king of horror, round by round.
Friday The 13th Part III – Halloween III: Season Of The Witch – Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
THE LOSER: HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH
The scariest image from Halloween III … which doesn’t actually appear in the movie
This is the scariest image to actually appear in the film
If WTF was a genre, Halloween III would be the patriarch, the way Psycho was the first slasher film. Boldly going where no Halloween movie had gone before, Halloween III: Season of the Witch is not about seasons, not about witches, and not about Michael Myers, the iconic villain from the first two films. Oddly enough, it is the last of the sequels to be directly supervised by creator John Carpenter, who demanded the third film take a turn to science-fiction.
The plot revolves around Stonehenge, American consumerism, drunk Irish people, masks, robots, and a television signal that turns children’s heads into snakes and bugs.
And the theme song, the Goddamn theme song!!!!!
Scariest Moment: when three little kids walk across a field in Arizona.
Worst Moment: when a forty-year-old man destroys a master plan by pushing three buttons.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: when a magic button shoots a blue laser into a mom’s mouth.
THE RUNNER-UP: FRIDAY THE 13th PART III
And starring Sloth, as Jason Voorhees
Just when the series was starting to kick ass, the producers decided to make a 3-D sitcom. Other than the first, silly, boring kills, no one dies notably until an hour into the film.
The 3-D scenes in this film are hilarious, especially since they didn’t convert the 3-D to the DVD release so characters will randomly poke things at the camera for no reason.
This flick is notable for giving Jason his iconic hockey mask, but should be notorious for the extra obnoxious supporting cast, including, but not limited to, a pudgy prankster in a wet suit, two random 40-year-old hippies, a biker babe, a too-obviously-gay black gang member, and a local couple that keeps a general store infested with snakes and rabbits.
Scariest Moment: the obligatory “Jason attacks at the end” jump scene.
Worst Moment: when a scary noise turns out to be a rabbit eating vegetables.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: while hanging from a noose, Jason lifts his mask just to show his victim that he’s the dude that almost raped her in a flashback.
THE WINNER: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS
Now your kids can play their favorite scene with the “Freddy is a Giant Penis Snake” Playset
Using the term “win” in only the loosest sense, the third installment in the Freddy franchise manages to offer a few awesome moments amidst the usual sequel tripe.
Unlike Part 2, at least this sequel acknowledges the first film. It brings back the character Nancy and sets up a cool premise involving a young Patricia Arquette who can pull people into her dreams. Unfortunately is dissolves into a series of ridiculous special effects that involve nerdy kids doing nerdy things that get themselves killed … and ends with Freddy’s skeleton beating the sh*t out of a creepy old guy with a shovel.
Despite its flaws, Dream Warriors is rentable for the scene depicted in the children’s playset above and the deeply disturbing sequence listed as the “Scariest Moment” below.
Scariest Moment: when Freddy rips a kid’s arteries out and uses him as a marionette.
Worst Moment: when the cute chick makes herself beautiful with switchblades and a Mohawk.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: when a kid’s super-power is to simply tweak the legs on an office chair.
Jason loses focus and Michael forfeits a round, while Freddy wins by default.
Freddy – 2
Jason – 0
Michael – 1
The Fight Continues:
Round #4: Friday The 13th Part 4 -vs- Elm Street 4: Dream Master -vs- Halloween 4
Round #5: Friday V: A New Beginning -vs- Elm Street 5: Dream Child -vs- Halloween 5
Round #6: Friday VI: Jason Lives -vs- Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare -vs- Halloween 6
Round #7: Friday VII: The New Blood -vs- New Nightmare -vs- H20
Round #8: Jason Takes Manhattan -vs- Halloween: Resurrection
Round #9: Jason Goes to Hell & Jason X