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Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael: Round #4

Halloween vs Friday The 13th vs Nightmare On Elm Street: Round 4For the 8 days leading up to the release of the Friday The 13th remake, there’s a Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael movie showdown.

I haven’t seen the originals since I was a kid and I’ve never bothered with the sequels, so it’s time to hit up Blockbuster and finally figure out who is the reigning king of horror, round by round.

Round #4
Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter — Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers — A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

THE LOSER: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER

Halloween vs Friday 13th vs Nightmare On Elm Street: Round 4
An image from ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: What a Total Pu**y’

In the 4th installment of the Nightmare saga, the once sinister Freddy Krueger is reduced to skulking baby that is eventually overpowered by a 17-year-old girl and his own reflection.

The most disturbing aspect of this film is the subplot involving a quiet girl who absorbs the “power” of her friends each time they die. She seems remarkably OK with the idea and spends her time showing off her sweet nunchuck skills.

Worst Moment: Every time the token black kid spoke.
Scariest Moment: When all the little baby arms trap Freddy to a wall.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: When Alice defeats Freddy with cartwheels.

THE RUNNER UP: HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS

Halloween vs Friday 13th vs Nightmare On Elm Street: Round 4
The producers rudely awake Michael from his afternoon nappy time

Although a remarkable step up from Halloween III, which would have worked if not for the slight oversight of leaving out its main character, Halloween IV dissolves into a series of “huh?” moments that make it absolutely impossible to enjoy the film. First, how did Michael and Dr. Loomis survive a blast that took out an entire hallway? Why is Michael still sporting burn bandages ten years later while Loomis only has minimal scars? And why does everyone have a damn Michael Myers mask?

Then The Return of Michael Myers degenerates into a bizarre siege film where Michael alternates between super-human and klutzy cripple (particularly when he staggers awkwardly around on the roof).

Oh, and then the girl goes ape-sh*t because apparently Michael passed his evil torch on to her, so now fans of the Halloween series get to be scared of a little girl instead of a giant man in a ghost mask. Smart move producers.

Worst Moment: When Michael pulls an Indiana Jones and climbs onto the truck.
Scariest Moment: … I’m thinking …
Unintentionally Funny Moment: When the rednecks kill and defenseless kid, then shrug it off and continue their lynch mob.

THE WINNER: FRIDAY THE 13th PART IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Finally, FINALLY, this franchise lives up to its own hype! Finally Jason is big and scary, finally we see boobs for over half the movie, FINALLY a fat chick gets stabbed in the throat and squeezes a banana … wait.

While the kills are twisted and the general tone a bit more rough, this “Final Chapter” attempts the same lame ending as Halloween IV: passing the psycho-killer torch to a young child. Only this time it’s Corey Feldman, so maybe it worked.

Also better is the acting, with Crispin Glover in a delightfully doughy role and a pair of hot twins that spend far too much time non-naked.

Worst Moment:

Scariest Moment: When young Corey Feldman has a bizarre A.D.D. reaction to a naked woman

Unintentionally Funny Moment:

Halloween vs Friday 13th vs Nightmare On Elm Street: Round 4

SUMMARY
Jason reaches his full potential, while Michael and Freddy lick their script wounds.

CURRENT SCORE
Freddy – 2
Jason – 1
Michael – 1

Previous Rounds:
Round #1: Friday The 13th -vs- A Nightmare On Elm Street -vs- Halloween
Round #2: Friday The 13th Part 2 -vs- Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge -vs- Halloween II
Round #3: Friday The 13th 3D -vs- Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors -vs- Halloween III

The Fight Continues:
Round #5: Friday V: A New Beginning -vs- Elm Street 5: Dream Child -vs- Halloween 5
Round #6: Friday VI: Jason Lives -vs- Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare -vs- Halloween 6
Round #7: Friday VII: The New Blood -vs- New Nightmare -vs- H20
Round #8: Jason Takes Manhattan -vs- Halloween: Resurrection
Round #9: Jason Goes to Hell & Jason X

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5 Comments »

  • Sheridan Passell said
    Sheridan Passell

    I’d never thought of it that way, but Friday 4 is the quintessential Jason movie. All the elements have finally come together in a better acted package than Part 3. I notice the remake is taking its “I’m looking for my sister” storyline too.

    What really needed to happen was Crispin Glover finds the corkscrew, and then disposes of Jason himself – He could have carried off the part of ‘experience drove me insane’ guy in subsequent movies most effectively.

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  • James said
    James

    My friend is working on a slasher script, I made her watch Friday 4 for research on Saturday. What a fun time, I LOVE that movie. It’s the purest one, and man, Crispin Glover! I wish he’d lived and they brought him back for in Jason X or something!

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  • zachary belair said

    in the remake i hope robert england comes back. know one can take his place. robert england is the best. i watch him in a t.v show call v. i watched him sence nighmare on elm street. it wouldn’t be the same.

    ps robert england please be freddy one more time your the greatest actor alive your the best. from your biggest fan. i wish i could meet you.

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  • lindsay said

    as a child of the 80s that watched all of the originals (and the sequels) as a kid and now owns them, i have to say that “nightmare on elm street’ is far more creative and original than either “friday the 13” or “halloween”. there are a million horror icons with masks that kill (mostly) teens with knives/machetes/ axes/chainsaws ect (leatherface, jason, michal myers and many, many more) but there is only one burnt guy that comes to you in your dreams! not only that, but freddy is not some stupid hillbilly that doesn’t talk. he’s witty and clever and has the BEST one-liners (rick, you little meatball!) alot of people say that makes him less scary, but i disagree! also, to avoid jason or michal myers, all you have to do is avoid camp crystal lake or haddonfield, ohio (i think its ohio)butyou cant avoid going to sleep! and you dont have to live on elm street! rememeber sheila the black girl in part 4? anyways, FREDDY RULES!!!!!!!!!!

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  • lindsay said

    i just rememebered it was in ILLINOIS, not ohio that “halloween” took place. oh well. illinois, ohio- its pretty much the same thing anyways!

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