Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael: Round #611.02.09 # Top Ten # 15 Comments
For the 8 days leading up to the release of the Friday The 13th remake, there’s a Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael movie showdown.
I haven’t seen the originals since I was a kid and I’ve never bothered with the sequels, so it’s time to hit up Blockbuster and finally figure out who is the reigning king of horror, round by round.
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives — Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare — Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers
THE LOSER: FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE
Taking a break from being scary, Freddy decides to go parachuting in the middle of a horror film.
Just when you thought George Lucas had used up the world’s supply of insipid, you see this movie and realize there’s still plenty for everyone.
Producers of the sixth and “final” Freddy movie needed a rousing finale to satisfy their faithful fans, so they structured their opus’s theme around the life mantra of their favorite insect, the African dung beetle.
Eat sh*t and die.
This is pure, unadulterated awful. Freddy plays video games. The plot is bizarre. Freddy kills a kid with a loud noise. Now THAT’S scary!
Don’t ever watch this film, not even for the Johnny Depp cameo.
Scariest Part: Roseanne Bar and Tom Arnold in a frighteningly pudgy cameo.
Worst Part: When floating worm Muppets explode from Freddy’s head.
Unintentionally Funny Part: “Here, take these 3-D glasses.” *wink*
THE RUNNER-UP: HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS
Donald Pleasance hangs up with his agent, and immediately regrets his decision to take Halloween 6.
The Halloween franchise (excusing the third installment) is the last of these franchises to descent into bizarro world. In part 6 we discover that not only is Michael Myers misunderstood, but that if he doesn’t kill off his whole family than the world will end.
So what, he’s a good guy?
The director takes a note from Hitchcock’s book and then burns it, choosing to show Michael Myers as much as possible, and in full light, with lots of people waling around in wide open spaces.
Scariest Part: When Michael turns on the motorized pitchfork, just to make sure she’s good and minced.
Worst Part: The plot.
Unintentionally Funny Part: Paul Rudd’s rune deciphering computer software from the 1990s.
THE WINNER: FRIDAY THE 13th PART VI: JASON LIVES
After the lackluster break that was Part V, Jason is back … from the dead no less.
At this point the franchise turns to ridiculous camp as Jason is resurrected by LIGHTNING. Also, the self-referencing humor is largely apparent in a shot where the kooky cemetery groundskeeper looks at the camera and rants about how “this isn’t entertaining.”
Still, this film gets winner status just because it’s so great to see the masked dude back in his own franchise.
Scariest Part: The VW Bug couple getting killed in the mud.
Worst Part: Trapped in the lake … REALLY?
Unintentionally Funny Part: Jason’s lightning resurrection.
As the franchises get sillier, Jason still pack the most punch, and judging from the roman numerals he also outlasts everyone else.
Freddy – 2
Jason – 3
Michael – 1
Round #1: Friday The 13th -vs- A Nightmare On Elm Street -vs- Halloween
Round #2: Friday The 13th Part 2 -vs- Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge -vs- Halloween II
Round #3: Friday The 13th 3D -vs- Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors -vs- Halloween III
Round #4: Friday The 13th Part 4 -vs- Elm Street 4: Dream Master -vs- Halloween 4
Round #5: Friday V: A New Beginning -vs- Elm Street 5: Dream Child -vs- Halloween 5