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Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael: Round #7

Movie Clash: Freddy vs Jason vs MichaelFor the 8 days leading up to the release of the Friday The 13th remake, there’s a Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael movie showdown.

(Before we start today’s round you might want to check out this live webcast from Crystal Lake.)

I haven’t seen the original movies since I was a kid and never bothered with the sequels, so it’s time to hit up Blockbuster and finally figure out who is the reigning king of horror, round by round.

Round #7
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood — Halloween: H20 — New Nightmare

THE LOSER: WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE

Movie Clash: Freddy vs Jason vs Michael
Almost got it, to the right, OK, you got it.

The first half of this film promises all of the comeback merit of Stallone’s Rocky and Rambo rampages. Earthquakes, creepy phone calls, and a genuinely scary opening and first kill.

Then something shifts, and even Craven forgot what the hell made Freddy scary in the first place. He’s largely off-screen and when he does appear, he looks different and wears an overcoat like a 1920s hard-boiled detective.

It’s nice to lose the cheesy one-liners, but also sad that Freddy hardly talks at all. And the end climax is as pathetic as all the lame in-between sequels.

If you don’t believe me, look at the look of “fright” on this child’s face:

Movie Clash: Freddy vs Jason vs Michael
The cast of New Nightmare take a much needed break on Disneyland’s Splash Mountain water ride.

*Special Note* Each of these franchises has a “look, it’s over” installment, followed by a “no, it’s not!” installment (in the case of Jason, this happened TWICE). This marks the TRUE ending of the Nightmare franchise, when it officially jumped the final shark and even the studios couldn’t resurrect it.

Scariest Part: Freddy’s metal hand flicking a dude’s crotch.
Worst Part: Freddy’s arch nemesis is a stuffed dinosaur.
Unintentionally Funny Part: Freddy’s giant hand floating over the freeway.

THE RUNNER UP: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD

Movie Clash: Freddy vs Jason vs Michael
I’ve gotta make THREE MORE of these flicks!?

After a campy break, the producers return with a secret weapon: Kane Hodder. The fans are right, something about the way Kane moves and reacts is MUCH scarier than all previous Friday films. Plus, at this point it’s VERY clear that Jason is demonic, and his exposed spine and rotting face are very well done.

He’s faster, smarter, and, if not for that psychic bitch, he’d have won once and for all.

Scariest Part: When he’s standing perfectly still in the corner of the kitchen.
Worst Part: The heroine is a psychic blonde.
Unintentionally Funny Part: Two words – floating couch.

THE WINNER: HALLOWEEN H20

Movie Clash: Freddy vs Jason vs Michael
Worst. Mirror. Ever.

This is a very good sequel, and Michael is back as a sociopathic supernatural bad-ass.

The plot is simple but rings true with actual thought: deeply disturbed by the events of Halloween and Halloween II, Laurie Strode faked her own death and relocated to California, where she married and divorced a loser and became mother and headmistress for a restrictive “no sex, drugs, or rock n roll” private high school.

And while the movie never bothers to show where Michael has been all these years or whether films 4-6 were a figment of a studio fat cat’s imagination, it doesn’t matter once the killing starts.

From the opening sequence where the female victim DOESN’T enter the dark home and instead runs for help, you know you’re in for a smart slasher film (don’t worry, they all die anyway).

Jamie Lee Curtis really appreciates the fans and gives her all to the performance, Josh Hartnett actually didn’t suck, and Michael Myers is almost as scary as the first two flicks.

The ending is a bit underwritten, but still very awesome.

Scariest Part: Michael and Laurie window stare down.
Worst Part: LL Cool J.
Unintentionally Funny Part: Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s ice skate death.

SUMMARY
It’s nice to see Michael back in shape for a late match win, but now that Freddy is out of the game can he take out Jason in the final rounds?

CURRENT SCORE
Freddy – 2
Jason – 3
Michael – 2

Previous Rounds:
Round #1: Friday The 13th -vs- A Nightmare On Elm Street -vs- Halloween
Round #2: Friday The 13th Part 2 -vs- Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge -vs- Halloween II
Round #3: Friday The 13th 3D -vs- Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors -vs- Halloween III
Round #4: Friday The 13th Part 4 -vs- Elm Street 4: Dream Master -vs- Halloween 4
Round #5: Friday V: A New Beginning -vs- Elm Street 5: Dream Child -vs- Halloween 5
Round #6: Friday VI: Jason Lives -vs- Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare -vs- Halloween 6

The Fight Continues:
Round #8: Jason Takes Manhattan -vs- Halloween: Resurrection
Round #9: Jason Goes to Hell & Jason X

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6 Comments »

  • dary said

    i was with you for all of the results until this one – writing off new nightmare before the new blood?! h20 was ok, but new nightmare was awesome. it was the only film in this list that actually, seriously bothered to take a series in a new direction, and certainly the only one that succeeded. apart from nightmare #1, new nightmare is bar far the best freddy flick.

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  • lopli said

    I’m glad H20 won. The fight scene between Laurie and Michael made it one of my favorite in the whole Halloween series. Jason’s 7th movie was good as well, I’m glad it enleast got runner up. I think it’s underrated

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  • sean m hubbard said

    i’am in for freddy vs jason 2 i seen all freddy , jason ,and michael movies that will be good if they will put michael in it

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  • sean m hubbard said

    there is going to be a hellraiser remake coming 2011

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  • sean m hubard said

    i seen halloween 3 and i never like it after i seen it it’s so suck no michael myers he is the f**king killer in the whole begining that started it all

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  • sean m hubard said

    MICHAEL VS PINHEAD THAT SHOUND HAVE BEEN MADE FOR DVD AFTER FREDDY VS JASON

    Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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