10. The Cure

It’s not cute, he lost the ability to walk

In the running for most misleading title of all time, this movie is about a little boy with cancer and his river adventures to find a reported cure. Only there is no cure, that’s the point. He finds true bromance instead. And they swap shoes. This is supposed to symbolize something. I think it’s meant to symbolize chemotherapy.

9. Where the Red Fern Grows

The dog dies. But it’s alright, ’cause a parasitic plant feeds off his decaying nutrients. Tell that to your kids when they ask where Buffy went for the summer.

8. A Simple Plan

Guess which one eats a bullet

Proof that capitalism turns normal people into rage infected greed zombies. A group of blue collar folks find a bag of money and are completely incapable of dealing with it. For a sum that would barely cover a car payment in Los Angeles, they fight, shoot, bludgeon, and smother their way into hell.

And for some reason, the hero has to kill his retarded brother at the end. Not sure why.

7. A Clockwork Orange

Hello sir, we’re here to pick up your daughter

There is a rumor that Anthony Burgess wrote an extra chapter where Alex is actually cured and becomes a better person. Instead, Kubrick’s vision treats us to Malcolm McDowell fantasizing about public rape.

6. Night of the Living Dead

Guess which one eats a bullet

Another addition to the “humanity sucks” genre, not only does Night of the Living Dead feature a bunch of corpses that rise from the dead to devour their loved ones (including a young girl who tries to eat her own mother), but the film’s sole survivor is an African-American man who walks out into the clear, pure, majestic sunshine … and is shot by a racist cop.

5. Of Mice and Men

Guess which one eats a bullet

This movie also has a dead dog.

And for some reason, the hero has to kill his retarded friend at the end. Not sure why.

4. The Mist

Guess which one … oh nevermind

A long tirade against religion with the occasional monster thrown in, The Mist could win an Oscar for “Most Rash Decision.”

After a wave of other-worldly creatures descend on a rural supermarket, the denizens resort to human sacrifice within 24 hours. Those that escape the creepy critters and religious zealots drive off in a jeep, where they promptly run out of gas. Within two minutes, the film’s “hero” shoots everyone in the jeep, including his own son.

3. On the Beach

Hug it out, everything will be fine

The world is dying from radioactive fallout. Most people don’t do anything about it, they just walk around on the beach. Some people try to do something about it, they take a submarine to somewhere, but when they get there they find that the thing they were looking for really wasn’t what they were looking for, so they go back to the beach to die with everyone else. That’s pretty much the entire movie.

2. Beneath the Planet of the Apes

Before the world ends, we’d like to talk to you about Scientology

As if the ending to the original Planets of the Apes wasn’t bleak enough, in the sequel Charlton Heston gets shot in the gut, so in retribution he uses his last ounce of dying strength to detonate an atomic weapon that completely destroys the world. The movie ends with this uplifting narration:

“In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.”

1. Requiem for a Dream

Carrot Top in his finest role

Coming in at number one is the most depressing film ever made, Aronofsky’s indie opus, Requiem for a Dream.

Do you think heroine junkies are depressing? Well how about heroine junkies, elder abuse, amphetamines, materialism, T.V. addiction, infomercial propaganda, racism, amputations, overdoses, and public sodomy for money.

But the music is cool.