With the fall movie season upon us, the major studios are whipping out their arthouse and Oscar-bait films. While most of these films come through with the pretense of dignity, only a few are remembered years after their passing. So, in a time when our theaters will be swelling with honest, clean films that either show us the triumphs of the human spirit or criticize the trappings of modern society, it seems only proper that we respond by seeking out moments in film that stand in opposition to this. Moments in film, where we are all pleasantly surprised with well placed nudity. As much as Oscar-bait tries to make a social impact, many times it is the moments in film where a penis or a pair of breasts burst through the curtain that stains our collective memory, and we respond with an enthusiastic "Hell yes!" These are the top ten scenes in cinema that have jolted audiences with their perfectly placed nuggets of flesh.
10. Titanic
The most pleasantly surprising scene for any thirteen year-old boy was in this melodramatic disaster flick. It was pretty obvious that at one point there would be a sex scene, or at the very least, an implied sex scene. But nobody would've guessed that Rose wanted Jack to draw her wearing “only” her necklace. Of course, at my fragile age of nine when this came out, I didn't fully comprehend what was going to happen until Kate Winslet eased so gracefully back into that couch. Surely a reason for the film's monstrous success was this new way for curious adolescents to see a real pair of breasts without having to get their older brother to walk into that shady convenience store. The internet was also not as widespread and as user-friendly as it is today, so it was much easier for kids to get their porn fix with five bucks and three hours of boredom than trying to figure out Netscape.
9. Behind the Mask
While the nudity in most slashers is fully expected and just part of the genre (in the same way guns are a part of action movies),
Behind the Mask used it's scene with nudity for one of the biggest laughs of the film. The villain of the film is explaining to our trusty reporter just how he is going to butcher the hapless kids. It starts out very normal, visually we see what he has planned out as he walks us through it, much like the obligatory planning montage in any heist movie. Then suddenly, we jump to a shot of a woman's chest. While initially covered, the bra is undone and full boobage is present on screen. Then a pair of hands begins to gently caress the supple specimens. The whole shock of going from a normal exposition scene to one of the most gratuitous topless scenes ever will surely make you laugh. With any luck, something else might happen to your body.
8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Another nudie shot played up for pure comic relief. Not once, but at two different times do we see Jason Segel's manhood presented in all of its glory. While most films leave it up to the audiences (often vivid) imagination when it comes to what their stars are packing, we as an audience are given no such option. Within the first ten minutes of the film, Jason Segel drops his towel and the camera cuts to a farther away position, revealing everything. Many people stare open-mouthed, shocked at the pure boldness of the move, others choke on beverages they're drinking, and others just cannot contain their voracious laughter. In fact,
Forgetting Sarah Marshall holds the distinction of being the only movie that when you asked if someone saw it, their first response is “yeah, what did you think of the mancock?”
7. Total Recall
Despite a movie rooted in gratuitous violence, perhaps the most memorable moment of the movie is the tri-boob. Sex and violence are an important ingredient of any Arnold movie.
Total Recall knew this and then doubled its supply. Squibs are spraying out more blood than I'm sure is healthy, and a mutant hooker from Mars has not just two breasts, but three. Supposedly her assets were convincing enough to get people who pass her by and know her to inquire if in fact she did have three knockers. Oh the magic of film.
6. 28 Days Later
The most jarring moment of any zombie movie. Our hero wakes up in a hospital about a month after falling in to a coma. The first thing he notices, and we as an audience notice, isn't that London is completely deserted except for those infected with rage, it's that he is completely ass-naked. I went into the movie expecting an ultra-violent zombie fest. And the second thing delivered to me is an average guy waking up in the hospital. Naked. Luckily the movie quickly shifted gears, and Tom got some clothes on. The only thing worse than turning into a rage-infected zombie is turning into a nude rage-infected zombie. However, dying while naked during a zombie invasion is not all uncommon, as any viewer who's seen any two zombie movies can assure you. Dignity just flies straight out the door when you're a naked zombie.
5. Basic Instinct
While nudity in an erotic thriller is by no means surprising, the way it's shot and portrayed can certainly widen some eyes and cause random outbreaks of sweat. The most obvious would be the infamous scene in which Sharon Stone wears a wonderfully provocative white dress to the police station, and, thankfully for us, must shift her position a few times to get comfortable. In a movie that is just one giant sexcapade, it must've been hard to make just one area truly stand out.
Caligula surely had trouble with that. While it's known for being very sexed up, no one scene from the movie sticks out as being “the defining moment”. With
Basic Instinct, the sheer proximity to Sharon's... self will forever burn that moment in our society's collective sexual fantasies.
4. Airplane!
Perhaps the funniest topless scene ever. The plane begins to experience some turbulence, so what else to do than run directly in front of the camera without a top. Earlier in the film, a certain pair of anatomical beauties shook around in sync with some jello. I had assumed that this would be the one and only breast joke. Thankfully, I was mistaken when for some inexplicable reason this woman decided to freak out, conveniently directly in front of the camera, and not coincidentally, only showing her torso. Along with
Titanic, this remains one of the few ways for an adolescent to view full-fledged nudity within the safety of pursuing it within their legal and socially acceptable means. My first viewing of
Airplane! was on television, so it wasn't until I had purchased the DVD that I was even aware of this golden nugget buried within a comedy goldmine.
3. Barbarella
I can only hope the potential remake of this film nails the opening sequence as perfectly as it was captured the first time around. For some inexplicable reason, everything is hotter in zero gravity. Hell, even coughing or twisting open a stubborn jar lid is hot when it's being done by someone who's floating. With
Barbarella, the filmmakers took an already hot idea, young Jane Fonda undressing, and then injected it with the curious sexual enhancement known as zero gravity. While there isn't a ton of nudity in this sequence, and most “money shots” are obscured by the opening titles, the whole idea of this naked woman, floating around and laughing for no reason other than to entice the audience makes for one hell of a way to open a film. Seriously, if every movie had its first scene like this, there would be no bad movies.
2. Silence of the Lambs
This moment of the film was certainly a shock to me. The first time I had viewed the movie, I fell asleep twenty minutes in, and then woke up during Buffalo Bill's extravagant dance to Q Lazzarus. I was watching the film on a movie channel, so nothing was cut out. My first thought was that I had fallen asleep on the remote and had inadvertently worked my way up to one of the nudie channels. When I found out I was wrong, it didn't make the situation any less awkward. Here I was, watching a movie about serial killers and badass Jodie Foster, and then all of a sudden I wake up to find a man tucking his packing between his legs while dancing to what is now the creepiest song ever. The scene itself has become so memory-burned into any viewer of the film, that just the mention of Q Lazzarus or playing one or two notes will invariably trigger a mental image of nude Ted Levine, or at least the line “I'd fuck me”.
1. 80's Slashers
I kinda bitched out here. Slashers, especially those from the eighties, are notorious for not only their incredibly rigid formula, explicit gore, but also for the obligatory nudity. I was trying to find just one, but, like I said, I bitched out and instead nominate the entire sub-genre the coveted number one spot for pleasantly surprising nudity. Although the nudity is never really surprising, the sheer ridiculousness of the amount present in the genre will be enough to surprise anyone who isn't familiar with it. In fact, in all my years of watching trash horror flicks from the eighties, the only one I've come across with no explicit nudity is
My Bloody Valentine. But that film also has a wonderful all-male shower scene, so it definitely made up for its shortcomings. Whether it be death in shower, a quickie before the slaughter, or taking a relaxing dip in the lake, somehow at least one character per movie finds a way to undress themselves. Foolishly, though. As stated in Behind the Mask, removal of clothes is a death sentence in a horror film. And the only reason Behind the Mask isn't included with these “slashers” is simply because I wouldn't lump
Airplane! In with other disaster movies. These movies use the nudity for exploitation purposes and to play by the rules,
Behind the Mask used nudity for the most effective joke in the film. If I were to try and choose one moment, it would have to be Jason Alexander's (George Costanza from Seinfeld for those of us who call him by his truer name) bare-ass showing up in
The Burning.
Honorable Mentions:Eyes Wide Shut
Wedding Crashers
Something's Gotta Give
By Tyler Lovemark
May 12, 2009, 04:00:17 PM
