The Worst Parts of Bond Movies
By Adam Mason
With the upcoming release of the awfully-titled Quantum of Solace, it’s time to look back in anger at the Bond movies and find the very worst parts. Then mock them on the Internet, anonymously.
The hard part is this rule: only one bad part per film, else this would be full of things from Die Another Day. Although, to be fair, you could easily make a lit of at least one stupid bit in any Bond film.
Moving on…10) Licence To Kill – Felix survives
Licence To Kill is a great film, my personal favourite. However, it is marred slightly by the need to have a happy lah-dee-dah ending that sees Felix Leiter survive his close encounter with a shark.
The entire film is a brutal experience from beginning to end, with Timothy Dalton’s Bond globetrotting and killing, steadily growing closer to avenging the death of Della and Felix. Except Felix isn’t dead.
We saw him eaten by a shark. A great white shark. And all he lost was a foot? Hmm…9) Diamonds Are Forever – Car stunt gone wrong
It’s quite a famous cock-up. Car goes into alley on one set of wheels. Car leaves alley on another. Director realises and throws in extra shot of car tilting.
What makes this so annoying is that if the attention hadn’t been drawn to it, we might not have noticed as easily. If there were a few more shots other things besides the car, then maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t be so confused by the fact that Bond just seemingly rotated a car from one axle to the other. A View To A Kill – Stacey Sutton
Moore’s Bond saw a lot of very sexually aggressive women. It was a refreshing change that put Bond on the back foot – even if he did go along with it. A View To A Kill saw two significant shags for the super spy – firstly, Mayday, the hilariously square-headed henchman, who forced herself into bed with Bond and then climbed on top (sexually aggressive.) Secondly, the incredibly stupid and weak-willed Stacey Sutton, Bond girl and the most irritating woman to ever grace a silver screen (sexually weak.)
“CHAMES!” She screams, terrified.
“CHAMES!” She screams, overjoyed.
“CHAMES!” She screams, confused.
It makes you want to rub glass in your eyes.7) For Your Eyes Only – Bibi Dahl
Speaking of sexually aggressive women, here’s a terrifying one. Bibi Dahl, seventeen year old skating prodigy, meets Bond at an ice rink one snowy day. One hour later, she’s broken into his room, used his shower, climbed into his bed naked and offered him sex.
Fortunately Bond, in the forty-plus guise of Roger Moore, decides not to have the creepiest and most borderline illegal shag of his career. Thus, Bibi remains the first and only girl to be denied a romp in the sack by Bond.6) Casino Royale – The storyline deviates from the source material
A lot of people like this new Bourne-lite Bond. Can’t see it myself, but then I am a traditionalist.
As such, I hated the first and last half hour of this film. The middle bit, the actual Casino of the title, was fantastic. Shame about the rest of it.
Parkour? Sure, I’ll chase you. But at the end of it, I’ll shoot you and kill you, rendering the whole section irrelevant.
Love scenes? Sure, I’ll fall in love with you. But it won’t be remotely convincing.
Bah!5) The Spy Who Loved Me – Stromberg
Here’s a man with a plan. Stromberg is going to start a nuclear war between the superpowers and create a colony under the sea! That evil bastar- wait, what?
Yes, his plan is shit and full of holes. But he has a pet shark and a gun under a dinner table that fires big bullets. But he is one of the least effective, most rubbish Bond villains to ever grace the screen. He doesn’t even die properly – Bond just shoots him. You know you’re a terrible villain when you don’t even get a gloriously over the top demise.4) The World Is Not Enough – Denise Richards, nuclear physicist
What’s more offensive, the frustratingly muddled “war for oil” plotline, or the sight of Denise Richards as nuclear physicist Christmas Jones? Thought so.3) Moonraker – Jaws falls in love
Moonraker was a horrendously rushed and misjudged film all round. Designed to cash in on the space craze brought on by Star Wars, it was a bloody awful attempt to get Bond into space.
The worst part comes near the end, when Jaws, the only villain awesome enough to be allowed to live for a second movie, falls in love with a tiny blond woman. With pigtails. And glasses.
And then joins forces with Bond to mess Drax’s plan up.
DOUBLE WHAT.2) Tomorrow Never Dies – The plot
Bond is going through one hell of an action packed adventure, working closely with a Chinese agent (Michelle Yeoh) in order to find out why the hell the British and Chinese are being played against each other.
Finally, Bond comes face to face with Rupert Murdoch, I mean Elliot Carver, who explains his demented plan: if Britain and China go to war, he can get broadcast rights inside China!
Read that out loud. Go on. Then shake your head.1) Die Another Day – The entire film
It was too hard to narrow it down to just one shit moment from 2002’s shit fest. It was so bad it unofficially killed Bond off – almost permanently.
Let’s go down the list:
1) Man with diamonds in face
2) Madonna theme tune
3) Korean man gets face changed to smug white man
4) Halle Berry
5) Madonna cameo
6) Man with diamonds in face
7) Rip off of Diamonds of Forever
Hilariously inconsistent laser beam power from satellite
9) Invisible car
10) Man with diamonds in face
11) He’s doing it all to take over South Korea
12) Ice palace
14) Man with diamonds in face
15) Makes no sense at all
16) LOOK AT HIM HE’S GOT DIAMONDS IN HIS FACE. WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR WOULD LEAVE THEM IN?
And that brings us to the end of this trip down memory lane. What are your least favourite Bond moments? I could go on. And I probably will.