Movie Moron's 20 Most Wanted
2010. It doesn't sound sound like a real year does it? No. It sounds like something that appears on a title card at the beginning of a movie. It sounds like the future. It sounds like you need a crazy, wild-eyed old man and a flux capacitor to get there, but you don't, all you need is patience.
Unfortunately, we Movie Morons are impatient as all get out. Screw patience. We're already looking ahead to 2010 and its silver screen offerings, and we'd like you to join us. We'll be your crazy, wild-eyed old man. Below is a list of our twenty most anticipated films of next year. Pay attention, Marty...20. Never Let Me Go
Starring: Carey Mulligan, Keira Knightley, Andrew Garfield
Director: Mark Romanek
Release Date: TBC
Lowest on the list, but by no means least is One Hour Photo director Mark Romanek’s adaptation of Never Let Me Go. The novel by Kazuo Ishiguro, shortlisted for the 2005 Booker Prize, is set in a dystopian alternate reality where Kathy H must harvest the organs of her former schoolmates until they ‘complete’ (a euphemism similar to Blade Runner’s ‘retirement’). The literary novel shirks the Sci-Fi tag, focusing intently on the lives and loves of the characters rather than the peculiarities of its speculative setting, and the adaptation looks set to do the same.
The adorable Carey Mulligan will play Kathy H, Keira Knightley her bitchy BFF Ruth (a supporting role!), whilst Andrew Garfield will play the quick-tempered Tommy. Never Let Me Go is potentially a very unique film, well cast, and more than deserving of a spot on our list. (5 Moron Points)19. A Couple of Dicks
Starring: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Adam Brody, Michelle Trachtenberg, Jason Lee
Director: Kevin Smith
Release Date: February 26
A Couple of Dicks is the first movie from Kevin Smith that he hasn’t written himself, and there are a few choice words about that decision in the video interview below. It’ll be interesting to see Smith take on the someone else’s material, and no doubt retain his distinctive voice. The concept appears to be a straightforward buddy comedy about a couple of cops (which the title was allegedly almost changed to for fear of offending people), but Smith should be able to elevate the familiar ground he has to cover. Maybe elevate isn’t the right word, more like bring it down to his level. Whatever he does, we can’t wait to see it and that’s why A Couple of Dicks makes the list. That's right, we can't wait to see A Couple of Dicks. We see what you did there Mr Smith, we see what you did... (10 Moron Points)18. Looper
Director: Rian Johnson
Release Date: TBC
This movie is a bit of an enigma. Still in the very early stages of development, little is known about the project plot-wise, and there are no stars attached. In fact, it’s the only film on the list with no actors on board, so the fact that it even makes the list says a lot. It says we love Brick, we really like The Brothers Bloom
, and we are super-stoked to see Rian Johnson tackle an ultraviolent time-travel movie. Rian Johnson builds worlds, he takes ordinary surroundings and injects them with the uncanny, and he does this in high school movies and con-men movies. What is he going to do with a sci-fi movie, a genre where such mish-mashing and world-building is de rigueur? (15 Moron Points)17. The Last Airbender
Starring: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Jackson Rathbone, Nicola Peltz
Director: M Night Shyamalan
Release Date: July 2
Possibly the most divisive movie on the list. Shyamalan is loved by some and loathed by others, but there’s no denying that The Happening was an all-time low, resulting in some declaring The Last Airbender a flop before hearing a single line of dialogue. But it’s not just the Shyamalan apologists that are praying for this movie to be good, it’s fans of the source material. Avatar: The Last Airbender was one of Nick’s most popular shows, a well animated, action-packed, humorous and intelligent piece of television with a mythos to rival Star Wars and an appeal well beyond its target demographic.
Many still struggle to cast aside fury at the thought of the
racist controversial casting
, but with teaser trailers and teaser images cropping up, anticipation is building. (15 Moron Points)16. The Book of Eli
Starring: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis
Directors: Albert & Allen Hughes
Release Date: January 15
You didn’t know you wanted a post-apocalyptic showdown between Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman, but the guys that made Menace II Society did, so they went ahead and made The Book of Eli for you. It's about, naturally, the titular book, a tome that may be the key to man's salvation. Denzel defends the book, Oldman does the opposite. Comic Book artist Chris Weston did design work for the film, and says on his blog that ‘you’ll get to see Denzel Washington kick serious arse in this film… ‘Man on Fire’ is a mere taster compared to the righteous vengeance he rains down on the scum in this film’. We recommend ‘rains down on the scum’ become a phrase that you use regularly, not only because you'll sound epic, but to familiarise yourself with the concept so as to prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed when you witness Mr Washington in all his arse-kicking glory. (15 Moron Points)15. Paul
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogen
Director: Greg Mottola
Release Date: TBC
Brit Comic Book Geeks travelling across the US with an alien in tow. Meh. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? Not so meh. The talented duo reunite for another comic caper, this time sans director Edgar Wright, who just found out there’s a whole guild of other screen actors out there. It’ll be nice to see Pegg back with Frost after cavorting around in space and sucking up to Megan Fox – and now they’ve added Seth Rogen to the crew! Or he’s added them to his, we’re not sure. Rogen will be voicing the alien known as Paul, and he has a pretty weird voice anyway, right? So that should work nicely. Knowing frost and Pegg this will be a crowd pleaser and a nerd-pleaser at the same time, and there aren’t many films out there that manage to do both. Plus, it’s another offering from the director of Superbad. (20 Moron Points)14. The Cabin in the Woods
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Jesse Williams, Amy Acker
Director: Drew Goddard
Release Date: February 5
Whedonites are legion. So having Joss Whedon onboard to co-write this script is a good thing in terms of drumming up hype. And this film promises a new take on a played out horror movie trope – the cabin in the woods. Coming from Drew Goddard, one of the men behind Cloverfield, and starring Chris Hemsworth, the man who will be Thor. (20 Moron Points)13. Piranah 3D
Starring: Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Jessica Szohr, Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O’Connell
Director: Alexandre Aja
Release Date: March 19
Richard Dreyfuss thinks it’s safe to go back in the water – you think he’d know better. You know the deal: Remake. 3D. Sex, violence, comedy. Prehistoric piranhas tear to shreds every living thing in their path, mostly hot, young dumb actors, a couple of porn stars, and a couple of old intelligent actors for good measure. This isn’t high-brow, this is pure popcorn entertainment (although judging by the set pics, most of that popcorn will be regurgitated before you leave the theatre). Carnage! (20 Moron Points)12. The A-Team
Starring: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper
Director: Joe Carnahan
Release Date: June 11
Smoking Aces was insane. In. Sane. And while it wasn’t spectacular successful, it is proof positive that Joe Carnahan may be able to breathe some life into The A-Team. As evidenced by this years Star Trek, well-known television characters in a high-octane cinematic adaptation can be a very, very good thing.
Carnahan has lined up a couple of cast members already, namely Liam Neeson and Bradley Cooper. Neeson will be taking on the role of Hannibal, and although it’s been argued that his on screen persona differs considerably from that of previous Hannibal, George Peppard, Taken proved he can do action, and how many other actors have trained Obi-Wan Kenobi and Batman? Man of the moment Bradley Cooper will play Face, a role originated by Dirk Benedict (the lesser of two Starbucks). If you’re looking at the picture above and wondering why Quinton Jackson is there as B A Baracus when nobody has been cast as B A Baracus, it’s because the other candidates are so ridiculous
that we’ll continue to pretend Quinton Jackson has been cast until our dreams of perfect casting are crushed by an official announcement. (20 Moron Points)11. The Green Hornet
Starring: Seth Rogen
Director: Michel Gondry
Release Date: July 9
The second nerd-friendly Seth Rogen entry on the list, but this one’s different. This is superhero Seth Rogen. The last time we saw Rogen kicking ass and taking names he wasn’t wearing a mask, he was high, and he was riding shotgun with Harry Osborn. Now he’s the one with the sidekick, and if what has been said up until now is true, The Green Hornet may be more lighthearted than some superhero fare, but it won’t be an out-and-out comedy.
A big part of whether or not this movie works hinges on us believing that the slob from Knocked Up is a crime-fighter, and Seth Rogen’s so damn likeable rather than laugh him to scorn we all cross our fingers and hope he can do it. Not to mention Michel Gondry’s directing the whole affair now that Stephen Chow has bowed out, and his zany indie sensibilities will be a sight to behold when thrown over the superhero framework. (30 Moron Points)10. Alice in Wonderland
Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Martin Sheen, Stephen Fry, Matt Lucas
Director: Tim Burton
Release Date: March 5
As per usual, the visuals of the latest Tim Burton project, Alice In Wonderland, look stunning. We’re captivated by them, and we haven’t even seen them move yet. Newcomer Mia Wasikowskia plays Alice in the loose adaptation of Carroll’s treasured novel, alongside Burton mainstays Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen. The only troubling aspect of this is the ‘loose’ part of the loose adaptation; unlike the previous adaptations Burton has made (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Big Fish, etc.) this film will take more liberties with the source material. It features a considerably older Alice returning to wonderland. That sounds a bit like Hook. But we’re confident it won’t be met with the same lukewarm reception, and that Burton thrills us with a wild and wacky world as he has in the past. (30 Moron Points)9. A Nightmare on Elm Street
Starring: Jackie Earle Haley
Director: Samuel Bayer
Release Date: April 16
Jackie Earle Haley stars as Freddy Krueger, the dream-world dwelling killer first brought to cinema screens in 1984. This time around producer Michael Bay is hitting the Batman Begins/Casino Royale/Star Trek reboot button in an effort to start the franchise all over again. (35 Moron Points)8. Clash of the Titans
Starring: Sam Worthington, Gemma Arterton, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes
Director: Louis Letterier
Release Date: March 26
The highest remake on the list, Clash of the Titans takes perhaps the most fondly remembered sword and sandal classic to showcase Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion creatures and re-imagines it for the CGI generation. Director Louis Letterier should be somewhat familiar with intense action and CG smackdowns thanks to his prior work on The Incredible Hulk and The Transporter franchises.
Up and coming actors Sam Worthington (Terminator: Salvation, Avatar) and Gemma Arterton (Quantum of Solace, Prince of Persia) take on the roles of Perseus and Io, whilst veterans Liam Neeson take on the roles of Zeus and Hades. It will be interesting to see how the Olympian elements of the story are handled, as the gods have been notably absent from most recent sword and sandal flicks like Troy. (40 Moron Points)7. Ridley Scott's Robin Hood
Starring: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett
Director: Ridley Scott
Release Date: May 14
Christian Bale, no Christian Bale. Sienna Miller, no Sienna Miller. Nottingham, Untitled Robin Hood Project. The Sheriff and Robin Hood are the same guy…wait, what? Confusion surrounds this project. Or, at least, it is the victim of rampant speculation, which is evidence of it being hotly anticipated. And rightly so – Ridley Scott is a living legend. The mastermind behind Alien, Blade Runner and Gladiator returns to roughly the period of time in which his criminally underrated Crusades movie Kingdom of Heaven took place and reunites with frequent collaborator Russell Crowe. So he should be in his comfort zone and ready to deliver a memorable take on the oft filmed Robin Hood legend, presumably without incongruous accents, talking foxes or men in tights. We really could do with seeing a new promo image now though…(40 Moron Points)6. Arrested Development
Starring: Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, David Cross, Will Arnett, Portia de Rossi
Director: Mitchell Hurwitz
Release Date: TBC
The best TV shows get cancelled. Frequently. Sometimes the fanbase is so vocal about the injustice that the property is given a new lease of life – Family Guy, Futurama and Joss Whedon’s Firefly were all brought back from the dead. And currently slated for a 2010 release is the critically acclaimed comedy Arrested Development. This movie has been rumoured for a very long time, but clearly, what with it being so high on the list, hope has not been lost, anticipation has not been lessened. Stuff White People Like
explains the Arrested Development phenom thusly:
Eventhough most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!
The love it for a number of reasons. Firstly, since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally. Other examples of shows like this are Twin Peaks and The Ben Stiller Show.
They also love it because there are a few references to white popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).
If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.
Also of note: the hip hop group Arrested Development is also loved by white people.
We’ve seen Arrested Development alumni go on to make their mark in cinema, but they are allegedly all locked to return to their TV characters, and we couldn’t be more excited by the prospect. Hopefully it’ll be a success. (45 Moron Points)5. The Expendables
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham
Director: Sylvester Stallone
Release Date: April 23
Sly Stallone wants to go out in a blaze of gory. Sorry, typo, blaze of glory
. Actually, they’re both right. The Expendables could well be the throwback action movie that dreams are made of. With a cast list that reads like someone just reading names off of their action movie DVD collection, fans of the genre are getting spoilt rotten. (45 Moron Points)4. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin
Director: Edgar Wright
Release Date: TBC
One of the greatest indie comic books in recent history, Scott Pilgrim, created by writer-artist Bryan Lee O’Malley, is an epic love story, a teen comedy and a bizarre action piece set in Canada. Influenced by music, video games, manga and real life it really is like nothing else. If you haven’t read it yet, you’re missing out.http://vimeo.com/5491252
Edgar Wright’s film adaptation stars Michael Cera as Scott Pilgrim, lead singer of crappy, unsigned band Sex Bob-Omb (that’s a Super Mario reference, n00bs), and Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Ramona Flowers, the girl of Scott’s dreams. Literally. He dreams about her, and then she shows up. In pursuit of her he has to fight her seven evil ex-boyfriends, evade his jilted ex Knives Chau, and put up with Wallace Wells (Kieran Culkin), the gay roommate that he sleeps with (but not in a gay way). Made of win. (55 Moron Points)I exceeded the maximum amount of characters per post...top three after a T Ross interlude!