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twaddington
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« on: November 30, 2009, 09:05:44 PM » |
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Christmas is fast approaching and in order to get you into the spirit of this wonderful time of year I present to you a list of the worst Christmas films known to man.
When you think of the greatest Christmas films you think of It’s a Wonderful life, various versions of Christmas Carol, Home Alone even Die Hard. The thing that links all these films together, as well as being set around Christmas, is the message that family and friends are the most important thing in this life , awww. They are feel good films with a healthy mix of sentiment, comedy and Christmas cheer except for Die Hard which is just Bruce Willis kicking ass at Christmas.
It doesn’t seem like such a hard formula to pull off, so why are there relatively few good Christmas films ? Well I think we, the viewers are to blame for that. We are less discerning in what we will pay to see at this time of year because of a desire to see something Christmassy. So the studios just pump out any old crap with Christmas or Santa in the title and they are guaranteed to make a quick buck, an example last year was Four Christmases which did reasonably well at the box office despite being universally panned.
So when choosing my 10 worst Christmas films I was faced with an abundance of options. Sure, some of these films fall into the so bad they are worth watching category but most of them are just plain bad and are likely to dampen the festive spirit of even the most ardent Christmas lover so watch with caution.
Santa with Muscles
A couple of the films on this list may have their fans so I’m starting off with something safe, something which surely doesn’t have a single fan. In a ludicrous plot with a dodgy moral core Blake Thorne, an evil millionaire played by Hulk Hogan, gets amnesia and believes he is Santa Claus. Blake proves that violence is the solution to all problems when he saves an orphanage by beating up a load of bad guys.
It may surprise you to find out that Hogan’s acting skills are very limited in fact he makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Marlon Brando in his prime.
Reindeer Games
Director John Frankenheimer has some quality credits on his resume, he directed The Birdman of Alcatraz, Ronin and The French Connection 2. It is a surprise that he could make something as muddled and inept as this. The film wants to be a serious , grown up thriller but has more holes than the knitted jumper your grandma gives you for Christmas every year. Charlize Theron Rates it as the worst film she has ever been in and i’m inclined to agree.
Jack Frost
Not to be confused with the horror B-movie starring Scott Mcdonald, this is the Michael Keaton film which is bad but not in a funny way. Keaton is killed in a car crash but returns as a snowman a year later and attempts to make up for lost time with his son. Horribly sentimental and features probably the worst CGI I have ever seen.
Ernest Saves Christmas
It is one of the great mysteries of cinema as to why this series of films continued as long as it did. Starring Jim Varney as the witless, charmless and utterly unfunny Ernest P. Worrell this was the third of over 10 installments to a series which were mostly released straight to video. In this one Ernest is on a mission to help Santa find a replacement in time for Christmas.
Surviving Christmas
With two films on the list, Ben Affleck is officially the king of the Christmas Turkey. Despite being very wealthy Drew (Affleck) senses a void in his life as Christmas draws near and revisits his childhood home, where new owner Tom Valco (James Gandolfini) now lives. Drew offers him $250,000 in return for letting him spend the holidays as part of the family.
As with Reindeer Games this film came during a dark time in Ben Affleck’s career, post Good Will Hunting and before he showed he was a competent director with Gone Baby Gone.
Fred Claus
Vince Vaughn has a unique talent, he is able to be hilariously funny when he is trying to act serious e.g. Psycho and painfully unfunny when he is trying to be hillarious e.g. Fred Claus. Santa Claus's overlooked and resentful elder brother Fred (Vince Vaughn) struggles to make ends meet as an unscrupulous repo man. One year, desperate for cash, he agrees to work in his brother's toy workshop only to discover Christmas is a time for giving. Short on laughs it unashamedly rips off the oversized elf gag from the Will Ferrell film Elf. But whereas Elf managed to just about stay on the right side of tolerable this film is leaps and bounds into the wrong side.
The Grinch
Now this may be a controversial choice because I know this film has quite a few fans but after much deliberation I decided it definitely has to be on this list. The film so badly wants to be like a Tim Burton movie but Ron Howard is no Tim Burton and Carrey’s maniacal comedy act wears a bit thin when combined with the garish colours.
Santa Claus 3: The Escape Claus
The first Santa Claus film worked mainly due to the charm and comic ability of Tim Allen. By the third film in the series Allen has the look of a man who knows what he is making is crap but just doesn’t care anymore. This film also features Martin Short as Jack Frost, the villain who is trying to take over Christmas.
Home Alone 3 and 4
I was tempted to include Home Alone 2 in this entry because it is essentially exactly the same as the first one. However it is vastly superior to the second and third sequels . Gone are McCaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, the trio that made the original so great, their replacements are a lacklustre bunch in both cases.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The kids on Mars aren’t a happy bunch. They spend all day watching American TV but are none the happier for it. Seeing that Earth children are happy and Martian kids are not, the Martian infantry devise a plan to kidnap Santa.
As you can imagine, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is bad at every possible level a film can be bad and features some alien outfits that would make Doctor Who blush. Like Troll 2 and Plan 9 from Outer Space though, it’s one of those films that has attained a sort of romantic and mythical status because of just how ridiculously bad it is. No Christmas Turkey list is complete without it but I suspect some of you will be tempted to give it a watch none the less.
That completes the list of the top 10 Christmas Turkeys.
Any suggestions or objections are most welcome. Merry Christmas folks.
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December 08, 2008, 02:18:28 AM
