The best comic gold this side of "Troll 2"...
WHEN A GIRL HAS A HEART OF STONE, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO MELT IT. JUST ADD ICE.
That's the tagline to the early 90's classic "Cool as Ice". Take a second and let that statement sink in. Aside from the fact that I'm pretty sure it's not even scientifically possible to melt stone using ice, it's just plain goofy. But on to the review. Yeah, I'm going way back on this one. Way back to 1991. A time when Vanilla Ice was at the peak of his career. Come on, admit it. If you were a kid back then, you probably bobbed your head to "Ice Ice Baby." I know I did. If you were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan, you might have found yourself chanting, "Go, ninja, go, ninja, go!" With Ice becoming the most family-friendly source of rap music this side of MC Hammer, it was only a matter of time before he made full-length feature film debut. That came in fall 1991 with "Cool as Ice", a musical/love story starring the Iceman. Yes, I said that right, a musical/love story.
Vanilla Ice plays Johnny, a rapper with an enigmatic past, who rides around on a neon-yellow motorcycle. Along with him are his other rapper buddies who apparently ride from town to town, searching for the underground rap scene. I say this because the opening scene takes place in a darkened, fogged-up warehouse, where Ice is spittin' a funky flow and Naomi Campbell is singing the chorus. But I only assumed this, as we don't get any
background on the characters. What we do know about Johnny, however, is that he obviously suffers from some type of unnamed mental disability that causes him to be under the permanent delusion that he is "cool". Ice and company find themselves in a sleepy, conservative suburban, and most importantly un
cool town. There he meets straight-laced, college-bound Kathy (Kristin Minter), which he shortens up to "Kat". Their first meeting is a memorable one: Ice sees her horseback riding alongside a fence as he and his crew are passing through town, and he decides to introduce himself by jumping the fence with his bike, startling the horse and almost paralyzing the poor girl. Even though she's disgusted by this clown in a puffy orange jacket, Ice is immediately smitten. One of the crew's bike breaks down, so they come across a elderly, wacky, husband-and-wife mechanic duo, who offer to fix it. Stuck in Suburbia for a while, Johnny/Ice then sets out to win Kat's heart, through which he pursues her in a manner worthy of a stalker. His methods include repeated visits to her house, stealing her organizer to find out more about her, and following her to the local teen hangout, where he engages in a rap number which leads to dry-humping Kat on the floor, while her boyfriend Nick (John Newton) looks on. There's also a subplot regarding Kat's father (Michael Gross of "Family Ties" fame) who is a member of the Witness Protection Program, who was a former cop who is on the run from some crooked cops, but by the time that is introduced into the "story", you're already rubbing your temples from the absurdity of it all.
This, simply put, is not
a good movie. It is basically Vanilla Ice playing up his commercial image from his heyday; an hour-and-a-half of trying to convince the audience of how "cool" the Ice-ster is. I sat through it when it came on HBO a few days ago, and as numbed as my mind was afterward, I couldn't help but appreciate the upsides of it. You've gotta admit, director David Kellogg (who would later direct the live-action "Inspector Gadget") and the screenwriter were ballsy enough to take the reins of a movie starring Vanilla Ice as the main character. You have to wonder if they were laughing out loud as they were writing some of the bits in it. I could see it now: "Lets...(snicker) let's have him sneak into her house, and, (haha), throw in some symbolism by putting an ice cube in her mouth! Get it? Ice? You know, 'cuz, his name's Vanilla ICE?" I've gotta commend them for having it in them to make this movie, as well as Michael Gross, the father from "Family Ties", in obvious need of a paycheck. That's the reason this doesn't get an F-.
This movie takes place in a completely alternate reality; a counter-Earth, if you will. For in this reality, quiet, conservative towns are full of cawntra-fokes who've obviously never heard of rap music, where motorcycle-jumping a fence without the aid of a ramp or incline to facilitate said jump is completely possible, and where shaving brick patterns into your hair and wearing puffy neon-camo pants makes you cool. Where pick-up lines such as "Drop that zero and get with the hero" work. Where you can easily engage 5 guys in hand-to-hand combat, and where outright stalking a teenage girl will have her jumping into your arms within the span of about 24 hours. I suppose it's an alluring fantasy to some poor unfortunate souls out there. And as stated earlier, it's pure comic gold, albeit completely unintentional.Bottom Line: I recommend this movie only when there's nothing else on, or maybe for a cruel method of torture. If you were a fan of Vanilla back in the day, until you watch "Cool as Ice", you don't know Ice. You don't know him at all.
Got a clip for y'all, too:Our Rating