Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael: Round Four

[dalmatianjaws]

Round #4
Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers - A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4: The Dream Master

The Loser: A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

An Image from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: What a Total Pussy

In the 4th installment of the Nightmare saga, the once sinister Freddy Krueger is reduced to skulking baby that is eventually overpowered by a 17-year-old girl and his own reflection.

The most disturbing aspect of this film is the subplot involving a quiet girl who absorbs the "power" of her friends each time they die. She seems remarkably OK with the idea and spends her time showing off her sweet nunchuck skills.

Worst Moment: Every time the token black kid spoke.
Scariest Moment: When all the little baby arms trap Freddy to a wall.
Unintentionally Funny Moment: When Alice defeats Freddy with cartwheels.


The Runner-Up: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

The producers rudely awake Michael from his afternoon nappy time

Although a remarkable step up from Halloween III, which would have worked if not for the slight oversight of leaving out its main character, Halloween IV dissolves into a series of "huh?" moments that make it absolutely impossible to enjoy the film. First, how did Michael and Dr. Loomis survive a blast that took out an entire hallway? Why is Michael still sporting burn bandages ten years later while Loomis only has minimal scars? And why does everyone have a damn Michael Myers mask?
 
Then The Return of Michael Myers degenerates into a bizarre siege film where Michael alternates between super-human and klutzy cripple (particularly when he staggers awkwardly around on the roof).

Oh, and then the girl goes ape-shit because apparently Michael passed his evil torch on to her, so now fans of the Halloween series get to be scared of a little girl instead of a giant man in a ghost mask. Smart move producers.

Worst Moment: When Michael pulls an Indiana Jones and climbs onto the truck.
Scariest Moment:  ... I'm thinking ...
Unintentionally Funny Moment: When the rednecks kill and defenseless kid, then shrug it off and continue their lynch mob.


The Winner: Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter

The lead actor finishes reading the script for Friday the 13th Part 4

Finally, FINALLY, this franchise lives up  to its own hype! Finally Jason is big and scary, finally we see boobs for over half the movie, FINALLY a fat chick gets stabbed in the throat and squeezes a banana ... wait.

While the kills are twisted and the general tone a bit more rough, this "Final Chapter" attempts the same lame ending as Halloween IV: passing the psycho-killer torch to a young child. Only this time it's Corey Feldman, so maybe it worked.

Also better is the acting, with Crispin Glover in a delightfully doughy role and a pair of hot twins that spend far too much time non-naked.


Worst Moment:


Scariest Moment: When young Corey Feldman has a bizarre A.D.D. reaction to a naked woman

Unintentionally Funny Moment:


Summary: Jason reaches his full potential, while Michael and Freddy lick their script wounds.

[Sheridan Passell]

I don't know how Crispin Glover's dance ended up as the worst moment, clearly there's been some mistake.

I think Donald Pleasance had gone senile by the time of Halloween 4. That's assuming he wasn't already in the first one.

Nightmare 4 was directed by Renny Harlin, so it seems it was destined to its fate.

[Mahmoud El-Azzeh]

I have a newfound respect for Crispin Glover.

[Christian Sellers]

I definitely agree with the results on this one.  The Final Chapter is pretty cool; very brutal (particularly the uncut ending) and Crispin Glover gives the best performance of the franchise.  The Return of Michael Myers is an admirable attempt to emulate the style of the original and, while it never quite succeeds, is certainly one of the best sequels of the franchise.  But The Dream Master... hmmm... as much as I love the Elm Street films I really can't find one thing to recommend it.  Awesome read!

[dalmatianjaws]

Sigh ...

I'm stuck on round 5. I can't get Halloween V from Blockbuster Online (it's listed as VERY LONG WAIT) and every store location just shrugs and goes "we just don't have it."

this is becoming the holy Grail of shlock horror. Hope it's worth is *smiles innocently and hopefully while all the experienced fellows frown and shake their heads*

[Sheridan Passell]

I had the same problem tracking down a Nintendo Wii, especially with it being the summer holidays.

[Tyler Lovemark]

You may wanna check at like a used DVD store or something.  Sometimes you can find old trash like this in a place like that for like $2 a piece.  Then again, odds are if you've still got Halloween part 5, you're not gonna give it up so lightly.

[Christian Sellers]

Sigh ...

I'm stuck on round 5. I can't get Halloween V from Blockbuster Online (it's listed as VERY LONG WAIT) and every store location just shrugs and goes "we just don't have it."

this is becoming the holy Grail of shlock horror. Hope it's worth is *smiles innocently and hopefully while all the experienced fellows frown and shake their heads*

Have a look on Amazon, they've got it used and new from $5.33.  It's the Anchor Bay release with a brief documentary on, but the picture quality is pretty good.  Part 5's gonna be a tricky one though as they're all a bit lame

[dalmatianjaws]

Why don't they make all these slasher films as games for the Wii ... I mean, how awesome would that be?

[Christian Sellers]

Would you play as the killer or the heroine?

[Sheridan Passell]

Not sure, but there would be a dancing Crispin Glover mini-game which would involve totally spazzing out.

[Christian Sellers]

And no doubt there will be a point in the game where a cat jumps out of the shadows to scare you shitless. 

I think playing as the killer would be the most fun, as you'd have to sneak up on the teens as they're having sex in somewhere dumb like the woods, impale one then chase after the other and hack them up without them escaping.  It'd be like a fun version of Manhunt

[Sheridan Passell]

Besides no slasher game could ever live up to Clock Tower on the PS1.

[dalmatianjaws]

It could be like that King Kong game where you can play as both.

If you were teh heroine you'd have to aviod sex with all the horney computer-controlled guys. If you lose your virginity then the killer appears and kills you instantly. Or, the more you have sex the harder the games gets.

Brilliant.

Sheridan, do you have any gaming contacts? We should totally pitch this.

[Tyler Lovemark]

I don't know guys, Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street Atari games were kind of lame.  Then again, this was in the mid-eighties, so what wasn't lame?

Oh yeah, jumping on the bandwagon in favor of the sex=death gameplay.

[Sheridan Passell]

If you've never seen the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of the Friday The 13th video game... you're in for a treat -

[dalmatianjaws]

That video's about 6 minutes too long, but still awesome.

So I had to order Halloween 5 from the fucking library. that makes me smile for some reason.

I think I'll move on to round 6y, cause it won't come til forever.

[Sheridan Passell]

What about all the vital plot developments in the part 5s?

...Oh wait.

[dalmatianjaws]

Who knew that I was going to watch Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, and didn't stop me, didn't buy a plane ticket across the pond and search me out in L.A. or otherwise stop at nothing short of genocide to save me from this plight, I want you to know you're dead to me. And you might not even qualify as human.

Dear God, this is the most boring, insipid, pointless, laziest movie I've ever seen.

I feel physically ill after sitting through this mess.

[Tyler Lovemark]

That's a shame.